Someone Who Needs Me
by orangesherbert3
Summary: All she wanted was to love and be loved in return. She wanted someone…someone who would take away her fear, someone who would protect her from the sorrows of life. Someone, she finished, someone who needs me.
1. Chapter One

The sky was overcast

**A/N OK, so I forgot to put this in the first time around. Hopefully everyone already knows that none of these characters are mine and to whom they really belong (if you don't this might not be your cup of tea, yeah?) Anyway, enjoy! And reviews are always appreciated!**

The sky was overcast. The wind essentially nonexistent, barely rippling the top of the majestic, old oak. Not a sound could be heard, except the occasional sniffle. It was incredibly humid, and several people were shifting around uncomfortably in their stiff, black formal wear, attempting to dispel the perspiration running down their backs. The humidity gave everything a slightly blurry look, as if the scene was being viewed through a slightly dirty window. Two young men, dressed all in black were situated closest to the headstone. Pale and drawn, they were the solemnest of the group. While others moved around, even murmuring to one another on occasion, the two teens stood rigidly, eyes never moving from the plot of recently packed soil.

In the back of the group, one man had been fussing with a bulky object in a black case. He stood now, moving towards the front of the gathering. In his hands, he held a violin. Reaching the two young men, he placed a hand on one's shoulder, murmuring something into his ear. The young man nodded slowly. The other continued staring straight ahead. The violinist took a few steps to the side, standing under the old oak. He lifted the violin and began to play. The haunting strains of Amazing Grace could be heard, echoing across the silent graveyard out into the hills beyond. It began to drizzle. The water accumulating on the faces of the gathered mixed with the tears.

As the hymn drew to a close, the group began walking slowly out of the graveyard. Behind the party, the two teens still stood. The young man on the right slung an arm around the shoulder of his companion and said something into his ear. He began to guide him towards the exit of the graveyard. The follower threw off the arm and remained standing, still staring at the graves. His companion looked at him, grey eyes full of concern. He ran a hand through thick, black hair in consternation. He gestured towards the lane outside, where the group stood, waiting. The second young man shook his head, causing water to drip from his messy hair down his forehead. The first teen nodded sadly, and headed out toward the lane, pausing only once to look back. His friend hadn't moved. He joined the group and they disappeared, one by one. Only the echo of muffled pops and cracks was left behind.

Standing by the side of the grave, the young man knelt down, running a finger through the wet grass. On his knees, he moved up to the headstone. With a shaking hand, he traced the words carved into the marble. _Harold and Annette Potter. Beloved parents, siblings, friends, and mentors. They will be missed by all who were warmed by the light of their presence_. Slowly, slowly, he let his hand fall down to rest limply in his lap. Closing his hazel eyes, he raised his pale face to the sky. As the rain ran in rivulets over his eyelids and cheeks, James Potter broke down and cried.

&

Standing in front of her mirror, the young woman observed her reflection. Her curly, red hair was pulled back into an elegant French twist. Her green eyes were startling beneath lashes black with mascara. Her cheeks were pink with blush, and her lips shone with gloss. Her pale, white shoulders were accentuated by the formal black dress, which was strapless. Just below the bust ran a strip of black satin ribbon tied into a bow in the back. The dress fell to just below her knees. On her feet were low-heeled black sling-backs. Looking in the mirror, the young woman realized she had forgotten to put on jewelry. Gold chandelier earrings and a simple gold bangle completed the outfit. Surveying herself in the mirror, Lily Evans was satisfied.

"Lily!" a voice called up the stairs.

"Coming!"

Lily walked out of her room and down the stairs. Below, in the foyer, Mark and Julie Evans stood, waiting. Twenty-one-year-old Petunia was also a part of the gathering, but she stood a little ways off, arms crossed, lips tightly pressed together. As she separated them to speak, they shone white in the dim light as the blood rushed back in.

"Hurry up, I don't want to be late. We're supposed to be meeting Vernon in twenty minutes!"

"Petunia, dear, clam down." Julie Evans spoke, the voice of wisdom amid the tension. "We're all ready, and it will only take us ten minutes to get there. We'll be there early, even."

Petunia huffed and stalked out the door, closing it sharply behind her. Julie Evans sighed.

"Come along Lily, Mark. We don't want to make Petunia worry. After all, we are going to eat with her new fiancée."

Lily rolled her eyes, ignoring her mother's admonishment. Vernon Dursley was a horrible man, if he could even be called a man. Lily was convinced that he was at least part whale. He was enormous and ham-handed, with a large, bristly moustache. He was boring and self-centered. He worked at a drill place for Merlin's sake, and acted as though it were the most important industry in England. He was all in all, one of the worst men Lily had ever met. He was also her sister's new fiancée and the 'love of her life.' Lily climbed into the car silently and put on her seat belt. The engine rumbled to life and Mr. Evans backed the car out of the driveway. Lily rested her head against the cool glass and watched the lights flash by, bright in the dark English night. She hoped the night would be over quickly.

Days later, Lily was eating breakfast when she heard a rapping on the window behind her head. Petunia looked up and screamed. With a cry of, "freak!" she flew out of the room. Lily turned around and rolled her eyes. Opening the window, she let the large, tawny owl fly into the kitchen. It perched on the table and waited patiently for Lily to untie the letter from its leg. With the heavy envelope safely delivered, the owl gave a hoot and flew out the window again.

Closing the window, Lily turned back around with a rising feeling of excitement. She ran her fingertips over the heavy envelope. The sun shone in from behind her head, making patterns on the table. A few rays hit the envelope as she slowly pulled out the thick parchment. Lily opened the first letter. As usual, it was a list of school supplies. Lily closed her eyes for a moment before unfolding the second piece of parchment. The sun glinted off her hair, giving her a red halo. It lit on the parchment, making it glow a blinding white. She took a deep breath. Slowly, she unfolded the parchment.

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_I am proud to announce that you have been selected as Head Girl for the coming school year. You have worked hard these past six years, and I know that you will treat this position with the gravity it deserves. You will meet the Head Boy in the Head's Compartment on the Hogwarts Express. In the compartment, you will find a list of your duties, as well as the duties of the Prefects. The Prefect meeting will be at 11:30. After the meeting, Prefects will be expected to patrol the train. During the train ride, one or both of the Heads is expected to remain available in the Head's Compartment. Congratulations and Good Luck!_

_ Sincerely,_

_ Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore_

Lily's head tilted up to the heavens and her eyes fell shut in silent thanks. She remained in that position for several minutes. Lily Evans, Muggle born witch was now Head Girl of Hogwarts. She remembered being a first year, how naive she had been. Her dreams had quickly been shattered, and replaced with the reality of being a Muggle born in the magic world: second class. But eleven-year-old Lily had risen to the challenge. She wanted to beat the stereotype, to be better than all of them, to show the world what a Muggle born could do. And with the badge that she now held tightly in her fist, she had succeeded.

&

Albus Dumbledore sat in his office, looking out the window at the Quidditch pitch. The grass was green and the stands sparkled in the sunlight. As the rays warmed his face, he closed his eyes and allowed his mind to wander. A soft, precise knock on the door brought him back to the present.

"Come in, Minerva. Have a chair."

He gestured to a squishy armchair opposite the one he sat in. Lowering herself cautiously, Minerva McGonagall allowed herself to look Dumbledore in the eye.

"How are you this morning?"

"I am splendid, and yourself?"

"Fine," she answered impatiently. "I'm sure you know why I am here," at this, Dumbledore smiled and chuckled. "So I'm not about to hedge. Why did you do it?"

"May I inquire as to what you are talking about? There are a number of things I have done recently. Why earlier, I chose to get out of bed at five, instead of six. I had quite a strong urge to use the bathroom you see. However, I was distracted looking for a robe and ended up finding a rather wonderful old marble I had thought I lost years ago. Furthermore-"

"Yes, yes, very clever," Professor McGonagall broke in impatiently. "And yet I'm not in the mood for games. Why did you make Lily Evans and James Potter co-Heads? They don't get along, as you well know. Do you really think it's fair to burden Miss Evans with a Marauder, just to give him a taste of power in a misguided attempt to control him!" McGonagall broke off, chest heaving, lips pressed firmly together. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows and sighed.

"Ah." He paused a moment. "At this time in the wizarding world, there is unrest. I fear that Lord Voldemort- as he calls himself- will soon begin to increase his influence. I do not foresee this to be a pleasant occurrence."

"Yes, but what does that have to do with out Head Boy and Girl?"

"Lily Evans and James Potter are two of the most powerful students at my school. They are also the leaders, it seems, of their respective groups. And yet they do not get along, so their groups will never get along either."

"Again, what do mere school friendships have to do with…?" McGonagall trailed off. Dumbledore looked at her inquisitively and she glared. "You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" Dumbledore looked at her.

"Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."

McGonagall sniffed. "All right. What does a teenage relationship have to do with Lord Voldemort?"

"Ah, Minerva." Dumbledore surveyed her through his half-moon glasses. "If what I predict indeed comes to pass, we will all need each other more than ever. That includes all of our students, as well as the staff itself, and the entire wizarding world. The largest rift in my class that will soon be graduated falls between Lily Evans and James Potter. If that rift can be mended, we will be a few steps ahead in ensuring safety once they enter the world on their own. They will be quite useful, you see, in certain…organizations." Dumbledore gave her a sharp look. Receiving no response he smiled and continued on, "and if I do say so myself, Lily and James would make a lovely couple." McGonagall looked scandalized.

"Albus!" Dumbledore merely smiled benignly and stood up. Offering her his arm, he helped her up and proceeded walk with her out of his office.

"I heard a rumor that there are wonderful cinnamon rolls in the Great Hall this morning, and I would quite like to indulge in one." Her reply was lost as they disappeared down the spiral staircase. An echo of grinding stone as the gargoyle opened and closed, and the office was silent once more.

&

September first dawned bright and sunny. The air was crisp. Outside Lily's window, a few birds still sang among the colored leaves. As her digital clock flipped to 7:00 AM, the radio thudded on. Groaning, Lily cracked an eye, only to shut it quickly as the sun shone brightly on her face. Rolling over, she flung a hand out towards her bedside table, knocking over a glass of water. Muttering a sleepy curse, she lifted her head off the pillow. Reaching over again, she successful shut off the alarm and rolled out of bed. Unfortunately, she stepped right in the water. Muttering another epithet, she took one sock off. With one sock off and one on, she walked over to her closet. Pulling open the door, she flicked the light on. She grabbed jeans and a long-sleeved green T-shirt and headed towards the shower.

After a nice long shower, Lily felt refreshed. Now properly awake, she felt a fluttering of anxiousness and excitement in her stomach. Today was her first day as Head Girl. Pulling her wet hair back into a low bun, she cleaned up the water on the floor with her wet sock. Dumping it in the hamper, she proceeded down the stairs for breakfast.

As she walked into her kitchen, she could see her mother cooking something on the stove. Coming up behind her, Lily realized it was eggs. Her tight stomach heaved at the sight of the eggs so early in the morning. So she sat down at the table with a bowl of cereal instead. Her mother turned from the stove.

"Good morning sleepyhead." Lily looked at her.

"Good morning mum. And it's only eight. Too early." Her mother chuckled.

"Well, soon you'll be getting up at this time every day." Lily groaned.

"Don't remind me."

"What? Aren't you excited for your first day as Head Girl? Dad and I are so proud." Lily smiled patiently.

"Yes mum, I'm excited too. But I really want to know who the Head Boy is. It could be Amos Diggory from Ravenclaw. I hope it is. He's smart." Her mother shot her a mischievous look.

"And handsome?" Lily blushed and traced the wood grain of the table.

"Yes, and handsome. But, it could be Remus Lupin. He'd be all right too. He is a Marauder, but he's the best of them." Lily's mother looked up sharply.

"The Marauders?" Lily nodded. Smirking, her mum said,

"Isn't that the group your charming suitor James Potter belongs to?" Lily sighed.

"Unfortunately, yes. Although, I must admit, I haven't heard from him all summer. Rather refreshing actually. Hopefully he's realized that _I do not care_." She ended this statement ferociously. Lily's mother simply gave her a look and a small smile.

"Don't even start that with me mother. I don't like him. I've been saying that for six years now, and I'm not about to up and change my mind." Lily's mum laughed.

"Eat up. We have to leave shortly."

Ten minutes later, Lily and her father were lugging her trunk out to the car as her mum yelled up the stairs to Petunia.

"Petunia, we're leaving now! Please come say goodbye to your sister. You won't see her for several months." There was a pause where nothing happened.

"Petunia, now!" Muttering angrily, Petunia appeared, bedraggled, at the top of the stairs. Lily came in through the front door.

"Bye freak." Lily looked at her.

"Bye Petunia."

"Petunia, be nice," their mother scolded.

"Whatever." Petunia disappeared and a door slammed on the second floor. Rolling her eyes, Lily disappeared out to the car.

The ride was long and boring; Lily lived about an hour from King's Cross. However, they made good time, and at 9:30, Lily was pushing her trunk through the barrier. As soon as she appeared on the other side, she heard a shriek.

"Lily!" Three girls came running over.

"How was your summer?"

"Good," Lily replied, looking at all of them. "How were yours? You guys look great!" Emmeline Vance was the first to answer. Her straight brown hair swing wildly around and her brown eyes sparkled as she gestured with her hands.

"It was great! I went to the beach often, and I played a lot of Quidditch. Have to keep practicing, you know. I think we're going to win the cup this year! You know, our chances are quite good. In fact-"

"Emmy, shut up." The interrupter was Dorcas Meadowes. With honey blonde hair and bright blue eyes, she was easily one of the prettiest in the group. She was also quiet, but obviously not around Emmeline, who was looking quite put out after the interruption. Dorcas made an apologetic face.

"Sorry, but you go on for _hours_." She laughed. "Anyway, I'll be quick, unlike _some_ people. I went to France for the summer." Shocked gasps and mutters of "Wow" flew through the group.

"I'm so jealous!" Lily grinned. "I went nowhere. But I didn't hear from suitor extraordinaire either, so I suppose that's lucky." Mary Scott, a roommate of Lily's spoke up.

"You know, maybe you should give him a chance. I mean, he's seventeen now. He must have grown up." Lily felt her face heat up.

"I will _never_ and I repeat NEVER give James Potter a chance. He's such a arrogant, cocky, conceited-"

"Ok, ok. You're not giving James Potter a chance. That's settled. Let's move on." Lily reached over and playfully tugged one of her friend's curly brunette locks.

"Shut up." Mary laughed, blue eyes crinkling in amusement.

"You asked for it. You know, you were the one who brought him into the conversation."

"Brought who into the conversation?"

"Hestia!" Lily, Dorcas, Emmeline, and Mary exclaimed. Dorcas provided the answer.

"You know who." Grinning, she mouthed "James Potter." Hestia's blue eyes widened in understanding.

"Oh," she mouthed back.

"Hestia, did you cut your hair?" Emmeline asked as she moved behind Hestia and began braiding her thick, black hair.

"Yes, actually. It was getting a little too long."

"Well, it looks great. Elastic?" Hestia pulled one off her wrist and handed it back.

"There." Emmeline tied the braid off. "Lovely."

"Thanks Emmy. And where's Alice?" Dorcas laughed.

"Where do you think? Running late of course! Let's go look for a compartment. She'll find us eventually." They five girls laughed as they headed off towards the Hogwarts Express. For a moment, it gleamed brightly, hiding all five girls in the glare. Then a cloud passed over the sun, and the girls were visible once more.

On the other side of the station, a much more subdued greeting was ensuing.

"Hey Moony, Wormtail. How were your summers?"

"Good, thanks, and yours?" answered Remus.

"Fine. I finally escaped from that hell-hole," replied Sirius. "Although it wasn't much fun at James' this summer." Remus nodded understandingly.

"Why?" This question came from Peter, who was obviously not the brightest bulb in the group. Remus and Sirius stared at him unbelievingly.

"Uh, Wormtail," Remus fielded the question. "His parents died."

"Oh."

Remus looked around. "Where is Prongs?"

"On the train," answered Sirius. "He said something about finding a compartment, and left."

"Well, let's go find him."

&

At 10:00, the Hogwarts Express pulled out of King's Cross. All students had made it on board, although in the case of Alice Stockwell, it had been a close affair.

"So then, I heard the second whistle. But my trunk was stuck. So I pushed really hard, just praying it would move. Suddenly, I heard this metallic squeak and the wheels started to move."

At this point, all the other girls in the compartment were in hysterics. Emmeline was even lying on the floor.

"Finally, I felt this tug and my trunk moved. I dove on before the train could pull out and completely ran over Jared Holmes who had basically just saved my life." Alice blushed horribly. "It was so embarrassing." Covering her face, she slumped down in her seat.

"Only you Alice, would be saved by the hottest guy in the year aside from the Marauders and then promptly run him over," Mary said. Alice blushed even more.

"I said I was sorry," she said defensively.

"What did he do?" asked Dorcas. Alice grinned.

"He just laughed and said it was fine. I was mortified, though, so I just ran away." The girls laughed again. Just then, the witch with the trolley came by.

"Snacks, dearies?"

Emmeline raced over and bought several packs of chocolate frogs.

"These should do the trick." The others purchased some pumpkin pasties and Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans, and they sat back down to enjoy the ride. Suddenly, Lily looked at her watch and gasped.

"I'm late!"

"Late for what?" asked Hestia.

"Head Duties!" Lily raced out of the compartment to cries of "Congratulations!"

Walking at a furious pace, she made it to the Head's Compartment in two minutes. She walked in stammering apologies.

"I am so sorry. I completely lost track of time and-" She broke off with a shocked gasp. Her mouth fell open.

"Potter! What are you doing in here? Listen right now, I don't know who you've stolen that badge from, Remus or someone, but I will not tolerate…" She trailed off as he turned to face her. His eyes were hard and emotionless as he informed her,

"I didn't steal it. It's mine."

"But, it can't be! Is Dumbledore off his rocker? You weren't even a prefect!"

"It's still mine. Apparently you don't need to be Prefect."

"But you're so arrogant and conceited and, and, HOW can Dumbledore have made you Head Boy? I can't work with you. You don't even work! Strutting around like-" James stood up, suddenly furious.

"I didn't ask for it, _Evans_. But Dumbledore gave it to me. I'm so sorry I'm not up to your _perfect_ standards, but no normal person could be. Not everyone is as anal as you!" He stalked out the door. Lily reeled in shock and sat down cautiously on one of the padded seats. Evans. He had never called her Evans. Not since the end of fifth year when he had vowed to call her by her name.

"It's such a pretty name," he had said. "Lily." And Lily had been secretly flattered; what girl wouldn't be? He had continued on, "Lily, Lily, Lily, my Lily-Flower, will you go out with me?" And Lily had slapped him and walked off. "I'm not your flower," she had shouted as she ran back to the common room, leaving him behind with a red handprint on his cheek. Yet ever since then, he had called her Lily. Until today.

_What did I do wrong?_ She thought. _There was nothing unusual about that encounter. Just James being arrogant and me taking him down a peg or two. And not even in public!_ Yet he had been angry. She sighed. _Maybe I was too hard on him._ Suddenly, guilt kicked in. She _had_ been nasty. He had just been sitting there and she had jumped on the offensive. _But he does that all the time!_ She argued with herself. _But this time, you started it. And he didn't deserve it._ The guilt intensified. _All right, all right. I'll apologize. I'll see him at the prefect's meeting anyway. Which is in…_"Five minutes!"

She jumped up, grabbing the list of prefect duties off the table in the compartment. Heading next door, she found several people already there. But there was no sign of James. She made small talk until 11:30 when she called for order. There was still no sign of James.

"All right everyone. For those who don't know, I'm Lily Evans and I'm the Head Girl this year. My co-Head is James Potter, but he was…unable to come at this particular time." At James' name, there was a sudden explosion of whispers.

"Yes, yes, calm down. I'm sure you don't want to be here for longer than you have to, so I'll try to be brief. As prefects, you are responsible for setting an example. In order to get this position, most of you have already proven yourselves. Keep up the great work. However, as prefects, you will have extra responsibilities. Namely, patrolling." The older prefects groaned.

"I know, not fun. But it is necessary. I will make up a patrol schedule and bring it to the next meeting. Prefect meetings will be on Mondays at seven in Professor McGonagall's room. You are all expected to come. For those who are consistently tardy or miss meetings altogether, there will be consequences. Dumbledore's, not mine. So be there. Also, as prefects, you may dock points. But never more than five, and you need to have your deductions checked by either of the Heads or Professor McGonagall. So, each prefect will need to write down the points they deducted, that is, the number of points, the name of the person, and the infraction. To help you know what is an infraction, here are your handbooks. Don't bother to read them unless you need to check something. You all know the rules anyway. And if you don't know them, they're not worth docking points for. However, lists. Lists are to be submitted at the prefect meetings every month. Professor McGonagall or James or I will read them and check to make sure the deductions were reasonable. If we don't believe the punishment is necessary, the points will be reinstated. Finally, you all must patrol the train until it reaches the station. I will be available in the Head's compartment next door if a problem arises. You are free to go, except Remus, I'd like a word."

The prefects filed out, leaving Lily and Remus in the compartment.

"Where's James?" Remus sighed.

"I don't know. I didn't even know he was Head Boy. I'm surprised because I figured he'd want to write about something good." Lily frowned.

"Why? Did something happen?" Remus looked surprised.

"You don't know? He didn't tell you?"

"Obviously not. Why else would I ask?"

"What did you talk about in the Head's compartment then? I thought he wasn't here because he'd had a, hard, time telling you."

"Well," Lily sighed. "We got into a bit of an argument, actually. I didn't believe he was Head Boy, and he was rather insulting. Although, I started it." Lily looked upset. "I really wanted to apologize."

"Lily Evans? Apologize to James Potter?"

"Don't joke. I wasn't very kind. It was my fault. But you're getting me off track. What happened?" Remus sighed in a depressed manner.

"If he didn't say, I probably shouldn't tell you." Lily just looked at him.

"Well listen. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him, ok?" Remus nodded and headed out.

&

On the other end of the train, Sirius found James sitting alone in a compartment.

He knocked softly. No answer. He hesitated, and then opened the door.

"Go away."

"Prongs, it's me."

"I know, go away." Sirius blew out a breath.

"James, come on. This is no way to live." James didn't respond. Sirius dropped the bomb.

"Your parents wouldn't have wanted you to be like this. They would have wanted you to be happy." James turned slowly to face Sirius. Rage and sadness burned in his eyes.

"You have _no idea_ what my parents would have wanted. You think just because you were there for one summer you know them? Well think again."

"James," Sirius' expression was pained. "They were my family, and you know it. Stop being so self-centered. They were like parents to me."

"But they weren't, were they? They weren't your real parents." James turned to look out the window again. Sirius laughed disbelievingly.

"You think that makes it hurt any less? It hurts _more_. They were all that I had. You and them. They _saved_ me. _You _saved me. You _know_ that. I loved them, James. You say they weren't my real parents, then who were they? They took me in when I needed them. They cared for me like a son!" James looked back at Sirius and the expression on his face was terrifying.

"I hate them."

"Who?"

"Them."

"The Death Eaters?" James' jaw tightened. He nodded once, very slightly.

"I hate them. I wish I could kill him."

"James, you're crazy. You can't kill Voldemort. No one can. Except maybe Dumbledore."

"I will, I'll kill him." Sirius sighed.

"Listen, mate, let's talk about something else. Like Evans." James' face darkened again.

"Not _Evans_," he spat.

"Um James, haven't you been obsessed with her for like, six years now?" James looked at Sirius and said emphatically, "Not. Anymore."

"Why?"

"She's just, she too…she's such a priss! She has all these standards that no one can possibly meet. Except for her because she's a freak. Or maybe she's just normal like the rest of us, in which case she doesn't meet her own standards either!" Sirius was confused.

"I thought you liked her standards?" Then light dawned. "Did you two have another lovers quarrel?"

"We fought, yes. And I'm done."

"James, you can't be done! You worked for this for six years! She was going to cave this year, I know it!" James just gave a tight shake of his head.

"I'm done. She hates me; it just took me seven years to realize it. And you know what? I just don't care anymore. I finally realized how immature she is. She's so obsessed with _school_. Like it _matters_." James gave a short, maniacal laugh. "When we're out there fighting for our lives, no one will _care_ who took whose badge or who pranked who. Her standards are childish, and so is she. I am officially done with _Miss_ Evans."

Just then, Remus entered the compartment.

"Moony, Moony! James has given up on Evans! We can't let him," said Sirius. Remus looked enquiringly at James.

"Really," he said skeptically. James nodded curtly.

"Well, how are you planning on doing that? You are her co-Head."

"I'll still talk to her, but only when necessary. I'm _done_, Remus," he said, cutting him off before he could open his mouth. Remus nodded sadly.

"All right. But you're making a huge mistake." James looked mutinous.

"I don't think so."

&

In the Head's compartment, Lily sat alone, staring out the window. The scenery flashed by, a blur of bright, autumn colors. As the sun's rays warmed her face, she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to wander. She smiled slightly thinking of her first train ride.

_Eleven-year-old Lily had run through the barrier at platform nine and three quarters. Making it to the other side, she had stood and gaped in awe. The Hogwarts Express gleamed purple in the sun, large and slightly intimidating. Around her, the hustle and bustle of the station was also a little scary. She cautiously wheeled her trunk up to the train and proceeded to try to drag it on. After a few minutes, an older student had come up to her. _

"_Hi! I'm Edgar Bones, 5__th__ year prefect. Do you need some help?" He smiled at Lily, and she nodded._

"_All right. Here we go." Edgar had hauled her trunk onto the train into a compartment with a few other girls in it. Two girls had dark hair and pretty blue eyes. One chubby girl with blonde hair and green eyes smiled at her and spoke up._

"_Hi, I'm Alice and this is Hestia and Mary."_

"_Hi, I'm Lily." And so a beautiful friendship had begun. _

_A while later, two boys had burst into their compartment, panting._

"_Mind if we stay here for a moment? Only, we've just put some dungbombs in that snotty Lucius Malfoy's trunk and now he's chasing us." The boy had stopped and smiled charmingly. "I'm Sirius Black, by the way." He gestured to the other boy who was now staring fixatedly at Lily. "That poor sap is James Potter." At the sound of his name, James jerked to attention._

"_James Potter," he repeated. "And who are you?" He addressed this question to Lily._

"_Lily Evans."_

"_Well, Lily Evans pleased to meet you. It's not everyday-" James was cut off as Sirius let out a shout._

"_Here he comes. We'd better go. Thanks!" They disappeared out the door. Lily had smiled to herself and thought about all the new friends she had. Magic people weren't freaks like Petunia said. Lily frowned. She supposed she'd just have to write Petunia and tell her._

Lily laughed a little bitterly thinking about how that had turned out. Not well, to say the least. James Potter. She wished he could have stayed a nice eleven-year-old forever. For all of first year, they had been great friends. Then in second year, the Marauders began gaining status. Suddenly, James had been too busy with pranks and socializing to remember his old friends. Lily had been furious and hurt, and had vowed not to talk to James Potter again. Then after ignoring her for all of second and third year, she had come back in fourth year having grown. Her hair was now thick, curly, and a deep shade of auburn. Her eyes were even more startling now that she'd gotten contacts, instead of keeping her glasses. Suddenly, James had noticed her again. He hadn't remembered her; he'd just realized her existence once she became beautiful. But Lily remembered. She still felt the sting of rejection from when he had ignored her. And she had vowed never to forgive him. If he didn't need her, she certainly did not need him.

Just then, she realized the train had pulled up to the station. Getting off, she looked for James. He was nowhere in sight, so she directed the first years towards Hagrid alone. As soon as the last first year was gone, she had walked slowly towards the Head's carriage. She climbed in and rested her head against the seat. She was exhausted. She was tired from her early morning and from her fight with James. She realized with a start that she had been calling him James instead of Potter. She shook her head. He was Potter, and always would be. Regardless of how guilty she felt.

Exiting the carriage, she began her walk up the steps. She walked into the Great Hall and sat down with her friends. They smiled at her.

"How'd the Head duties go?" asked Alice.

"Well." Lily sighed. "Potter and I got into a bit of an argument and he ran off. He didn't bother to show up for the prefect's meeting or anything so I just dealt with that and the first years."

Dorcas looked angry. "How could he do that to you! He has responsibilities too! I'm going to go and-"

"Do nothing," interrupted Lily. "You're going to do nothing."

Dorcas seemed surprised that Lily was defending James.

"I thought you hated him."

"I never hated him," Lily began slowly, "we just didn't always see eye to eye."

Emmeline appeared shocked and Alice smirked.

"Seems like someone has a bit of a sort spot for our favorite Marauder." Lily flushed and opened her mouth to say something, but just then, the first years filed in. The Hall was silent as the hat began to sing.

"In times of old when I was new

And Hogwarts barely started

The founders of our noble school

Thought never to be parted:

United by a common goal,

They had the selfsame yearning,

To make the world's best magic school

And pass along their learning.

"Together we will build and teach!"

The four good friends decided

And never did they dream that they

Might someday be divided,

For were there such friends anywhere as Slytherin and Gryffindor?

Unless it was the second pair

Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?

So how could it have gone so wrong?

How could such friendships fail? Why, I was there and so can tell

The whole sad, sorry tale.

Said Slytherin, "We'll teach just those

Whose ancestry is purest."

Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose

Intelligence is surest."

Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those

With brave deeds to their name."

Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot,

And treat them just the same."

These differences caused little strife

When they first came to light,

For each of the four founders had

A house is which they might

Take only those they wanted, so,

For instance Slytherin

Took only pure-blood wizards

Of great cunning, just like him,

And only those of sharpest mind were taught by Ravenclaw

While the bravest and the boldest went to daring Gryffindor.

Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest,

And taught them all she knew,

Thus the Houses and their founders

Retained friendships firm and true.

So Hogwarts worked in harmony

For several happy years,

But then discord crept among us

Feeding on our faults and fears.

The Houses that, like pillars four,

Had once held up our school,

Now turned upon each other and,

Divided, sought to rule.

And for a while it seemed the school

Must meet and early end,

What with dueling and with fighting

And the clash of friend on friend

And at last their came a morning

When old Slytherin departed

And though the fighting then died out,

He left us quite downhearted.

And never since the founders four

Were whittled down to three

Have the Houses been united

As they once were meant to be.

And now the Sorting Hat is here

And you all know the score:

I sort you into Houses

Because that is what I'm for,

But this year I'll go further,

Listen closely to my song:

Though condemned I am to split you

Still I worry that it's wrong.

Hough I must fulfill my duty

And must quarter every year

Still I wonder whether sorting

May not bring the end I fear.

Oh, know the perils, read the signs,

The warning history shows,

For our Hogwarts is in danger

From external, deadly foes.

And we must unite inside her

Or we'll crumble from within.

I have told you, I have warned you…

Let the Sorting now begin."

Lily clapped along with everyone else, but she turned to Emmeline on her right, eyebrows raised.

"What was that?"

"Clearly," broke in Dorcas, "the Hat was trying to warn us."

"Yes, I know," replied Lily. "But why?" Alice and Dorcas exchanged significant looks.

"We'll tell you later, in the dorm. Dorcas, tell Mary please."

Dorcas leaned over and whispered to Mary who raised her eyebrows. She shot a look at Alice who narrowed her eyes slightly.

"Not here," she mouthed. Satisfied, Mary turned back to conversing with her other friends. Dumbledore stood up.

"Welcome all to another year. I have more to say, but for now, I ask you all to enjoy the delicious feast."

"Yes!" This cry came from Sirius. The entire Hall turned to look at him. "What? I'm starving! I haven't eaten in…a whole hour!" A few people laughed.

"Well Mr. Black, you will be pleased to know, then, that I heard a rumor that the chicken is supposed to be spectacular tonight." He inclined his head slightly and sat back down. As the students applauded, food appeared on the great, golden platters in front of them.

All too soon, the food on the platters was gone. It rested in the extremely full bellies of the Hogwarts populous. Dumbledore stood again to make a few last announcements.

"Before you all head off to bed, I would like to first introduce out Head Boy and Girl. Would James Potter and Lily Evans please stand?"

Lily stood, blushing. She looked over at James only to find that he was determinedly not looking at her. She frowned and sat back down.

"Also, I have been asked to remind you all to please attempt to clean your feet before walking about the castle. Some students are rather fond of tracking large amounts of mud through the hallways and this makes Mr. Pringle's life rather difficult. Finally, dungbombs and other joke products are prohibited. In fact, there is a full list of all three hundred and sixty seven items that can be viewed in Mr. Pringle's office. I think that is all. Would the prefects please show everyone back to their common rooms, and would the Head Boy and Girl please meet me outside my office?"

&

Amid the chaos, James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus stood.

"We'll see you later James."

"No you won't. I sleep in the Head's dormitory, remember?"

"Oh yeah…Well, have fun!"

"Fun?"

"You're rooming with Evans. Live it up!"

"Sirius. I'm done with her, you know that."

"I know that's what you said, but I don't think that's what you meant." James glared and stalked off. In truth, he didn't know what he'd meant either. But James Potter was stubborn. He was not about to give his friends the satisfaction of mocking him. Besides, he reflected, she really did hate him. He supposed it was time to move on. And if the truth was told, he just didn't have the energy to deal with her anymore.

His long strides carried him quickly through the corridors and he arrived at Dumbledore's office before Lily. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He was exhausted. He hadn't been sleeping well since his…since his parents had died. His dreams were haunted with scenes of them being murdered. He sighed.

"James?" He jumped as a soft voice spoke from beside him.

"Are you ok?" He realized that Lily was standing next to him. At first, his heart jumped at her nearness. Then he remembered. _I'm over her, _he reminded himself.

"Fine," he answered coolly.

"Good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for that scene on the train." He just looked at her. "I was out of line, and I apologize for being so rude when I found out you were Head Boy."

Just then, Dumbledore walked up.

"Good evening, Miss Evans, Mr. Potter. I am here to show you the way to the Head's dormitory." Lily looked slightly dismayed.

"But what about our friends?"

"You are free to give your friends the password. Although, you may want to keep it private. It can come in handy. Also, I believe you may be pleasantly surprised when you see it." Mystified, Lily followed. James was slightly behind her. And though he was over her, he couldn't stop noticing the way her hair glinted in the soft candlelight.

&

Lily stepped into the Head's common room and gasped.

"It's beautiful!" She heard James enter behind her and look around. Silently, he made his was towards a door marked "James." Pushing it open, he disappeared inside. The heavy wooden door shut with a resounding thunk. Lily went and sat down on one of the chairs. There were two red chairs and a large sofa grouped around a fireplace. Over on the opposite wall stood two beautiful desks. The windows by the desks overlooked the lake. Lily grinned. She couldn't wait to study there.

On the wall ahead of her was a door marked "Lily," right next to James's door. Pushing her door open, she stepped into her room. The room was pained a soft shade of blue. He bed was against the wall to her left, and a sheer, white canopy surrounded it. On the wall opposite her, there was a set of French doors. Opening them Lily found herself looking out on a small balcony. She stepped outside and looked up at the stars. After twirling around once, she went back inside. On the wall opposite her bed was a gorgeous bathroom with a connected walk-in closet. Her possessions were already hanging in the closet. Grinning, Lily got into her pajamas. She brushed her teeth and her hair, and took out her contacts. Standing in the door of her bathroom, she ran across the room and dove on her bed. Laughing, she pulled down the covers and crawled inside. She was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

The first day of school dawned gray and rainy

The first day of school dawned gray and rainy. Lily groaned. This was not a good sign. Down in the Great Hall, most students were eating breakfast before class. Lily sat down next to her friends and looked at the ceiling. The clouds swirled. Lightning flashed, and the low boom of thunder reverberated around the Hall. Lily grabbed some toast and jam.

"How are you all this morning?" Alice had her head resting on her arms and didn't answer. Emmeline smiled and gave a thumbs up as she chewed her cereal. Dorcas groaned and imitated Alice. Lily smiled and looked around for Jame- Potter. She hadn't seen or heard him that morning. She found the Marauders, but James was not with them. She frowned and went back to her toast.

Just then, Professor McGonagall walked by with the seventh year schedules. Looking at her schedule, Lily smiled. History of Magic, double Potions, Arithmancy, and double Defense Against the Dark Arts. Perfect.

The first class of the day was History of Magic. To Lily's surprise, James was there on time. Actually, he was early. He was already there when she walked in. He ignored her wave and her "Good morning" as she passed. Frustrated, Lily shot him a look and went to sit by Emmeline. Towards the end of the class, Lily started daydreaming a bit. Looking around, she noticed James taking notes. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. He was up to something.

But double Potions and Arithmancy passed without incident. Although Lily didn't know what James was up to during Arithmancy, as he didn't take the class. Lunch was also fine. James came in, ate, and left. Defense Against the Dark Arts was where it all got a little strange.

A witch with short, blonde hair and grey eyes stood at the front of the class.

"Hello, I'm Professor Chandler and I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I wasn't at the feast last night, which is why none of you saw me. This year is critical. I'm going to be blunt with you. NEWTS are hard. But even harder is the world we live in. Right now out there," she gestured to the grounds outside Hogwarts, "people are dying." There was a shocked silence. "Every day, a few more are killed. Why don't we hear about it, you might ask. Because they are Muggles. Granted, a few Wizards have died too, no disrespect meant if you know of anyone who has died, but Muggles are making up the majority of the deceased."

One boy in the front of the room raised his hand.

"Mr…"

"Wood. Mike Wood. Why are they dying?"

"Good question. Because there is a man out there who calls himself the Dark Lord. His followers are called Death Eaters. Evidently Mr. Potter knows what I'm talking about, don't you."

James nodded sharply, jaw clenched. Lily looked at him, confused. Another student raised her hand.

"Yes Miss…"

"Cranston. Rachel Cranston. But why don't we hear about the Muggles? I mean obviously, a wizard is doing the killing. Doesn't that make it worthy of wizarding news?"

"Very good. Yes, one would think that it would be newsworthy, I believe. What about you? Yes, you in the front."

"Well, um, I don't know. I mean, sure Muggles are dying, but wouldn't publishing it in the paper cause mass hysteria or something?"

"But," another student broke in, "people need to know. And those Muggles have a right to be recognized. I mean, they're dead because of something a wizard did."

"But the government is a bit more important then some Muggles. They need to maintain control, especially if some psycho is on the loose," someone else said. Suddenly, it was a full-fledged class discussion. Professor Chandler watched it all with a satisfied expression. She just listened as the ideas flew around the room. Some thought people deserved to know, others feared chaos. Some mentioned government control, others the fact that the government is of the people. So intense was the discussion, that no one heard the bell signaling the end of the first period. Professor Chandler simply let the debate go on. At times, it faltered, and she would chime in with a comment or a suggestion. The students were alight with knowledge. As the second bell rang, Professor Chandler interrupted.

"Very good. No homework, just remember what we talked about. We will be having class discussions often. We will be reading the paper. We will learn about what's happening out there. We will learn to duel. We will learn spells. After this, you _will_ be prepared. Not just for the NEWTS, but for the rest of your lives." She paused. "Class dismissed."

Lily stuffed her textbooks into her bag and walked out of class with Emmeline. She headed to the library to write her potions essay and solve her Arithmancy problems. Several hours later, she emerged weary and slightly bedraggled. Her hair was falling out of its messy bun, and her robes were slightly wrinkled. Her hands were spattered with ink.

She made her way back to the Head's common room and sank down in a chair. Just then, she heard a noise. Across the room, a letter appeared on a small table. She walked over and picked it up. The handwriting was loopy and unfamiliar. On the envelope it read, "To Lily and James." Opening the envelope, she slid out a piece of parchment. Unfolding it, she read the letter.

_Dear Miss Evans and Mr. Potter,_

_I am writing to inform you of your first official Head duty. On October 31__st__ will be the annual Halloween feast. I would like for the two of you to collaborate and come up with ideas for a ball on Saturday the 29__th__ of October. The planning will require finding a band, decorating, arranging food and drinks, setting an age limit and a dress code, and setting up and cleaning up. Good Luck! _

_ Sincerely,_

_ Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore_

As she finished reading the letter, she heard the portrait open.

"James," she called. He ignored her.

"JAMES!"

"What?" He looked annoyed. Her temper flared.

"Dumbledore sent us a letter," she said tightly. "He wants us to organize a Halloween Ball."

"Fine. Let's just get it over with. What does he need?"

She handed him the letter. He read it and pulled out a piece of parchment and a crumpled quill and sat down. Lily sat down in the other chair.

"All right, ages? Fifth year and up?" James asked.

"I don't know, I think fourth year is ok too."

"Fine, fourth year and up. Band? How about the Wild Wizards?"

"No. I hate them. Mystic is so much better."

"Evans…"

"What? They are?" James sighed and his jaw clenched.

"_Fine._ Decorations?" he spit out between gritted teeth. "I was thinking-"

"How about pumpkins and-"

"Have fun, Evans," he said.

"WHAT?"

"I _said, _have fun Evans."

"But, but," she spluttered. "How DARE you. This is OUR job. One we're supposed to do TOGETHER! You're HEAD BOY! That means, whether you like it or not, you actually have RESPONSIBILITIES! DEAL WITH IT!"

He glared at her.

"Well obviously none of my ideas are good enough, so why don't you just do it yourself?"

Lily's eyes began to itch with tears of fury.

"Fine then, I'll just go to Dumbledore."

He smirked again, nastily.

"He won't care. He'll think I'm just having trouble coping, but he'll never rescind his decision."

Lily breathed heavily. "What?" Her voice cracked, driving it up an octave. James winced slightly. She opened her mouth to yell something else, but he cut her off.

"Later Evans. Some of actually have better things to do. Enjoy being an anal retentive." James threw the list at her and stalked out of the portrait hole.

Lily gritted her teeth, eyes welling with tears. It had happened _again._ Why couldn't they just have normal conversations? Of course, because _Potter_ was too stupid to carry on a normal conversation. She shook with rage and the tears spilled over. And Lily Evans sat with the crumpled list James had thrown at her and cried.

&

The first week of school all followed the tone set on the first day. Lily loved Charms, Transfiguration, DADA, and Arithmancy, and tolerated Herbology and History of Magic. She was also attempting to plan the ball, although this caused her a significant amount of stress. It was in an attempt to relieve some of this stress that Lily found herself lying on Dorcas' bed. Dorcas was sitting against the headboard. Emmeline, Alice, and Mary were sprawled on the floor. Lily rolled over and let her hair hang over the end of the bed. Alice sat up and began braiding her hair.

"I can't believe James is making you do all the work. Just for the record, he did say that, right?" Lily groaned in exasperation.

"Yes. That's exactly what he said."

"But why?" Alice asked, mystified. Lily sighed and sat up. All the girls laughed as her braid was sticking straight out of the top of her head. Lily shook the braid out and looked at them all sadly.

"I have no idea."

"What exactly did he say?" asked Dorcas. Lily looked at the ceiling, thinking back.

"Something about me being obsessive and not thinking any of his ideas were good enough. When I got angry and told him that regardless, it was still his job and I'd tell Dumbledore, he got angry and said...said something about Dumbledore thinking he was just having trouble coping." Lily glanced at them all, mystified. "Coping with what?"

The girls all looked at each other.

"No idea," said Emmeline. "Wouldn't he be most likely to tell you, since you're co-Heads?"

"You would think that," muttered Lily dully. "But he hasn't said anything to me all week. I think he hates me and I don't know why."

"I don't think he hates you," comforted Alice, "He's probably just having a tough time coping with whatever it is. Actually, I'll help you plan the ball. We'll let him be moody until when?"

"How about mid-November?" said Lily. "That's when we need to plan the winter ball."

"Ooh! We're having two balls?" Lily rolled her eyes.

"Yes Alice, we're having two balls. And no, you're not allowed to invite older students. Sorry."

"But what about Frank?"

"Frank will just have to wait until Hogsmeade." Alice pouted.

"Anyway, what about this ball? What are we going to do?"

"How about a masquerade?" said Dorcas.

"Good idea!" exclaimed Emmeline. "We can do old-fashioned, ornate decorations. Think Phantom of the Opera!"

"Think what?"

"Honestly," said Lily. "Aren't you three cultured at all?"

Alice, Dorcas, and Mary shook their heads.

"Apparently not," said Mary. "Now what is Phantom of the Opera?"  
"We'll have a movie night tonight and I'll show you. It's about a woman who becomes an opera star with the help of this strange, mysterious, slightly scary phantom."

"Sounds good." The others nodded approvingly. "We'll start it at seven which is in…one hour. Until then, back to ball planning!"

"Ok, so we decided masquerade. And I thought maybe fourth years and up?" said Lily.

"That's fine, but let's start the feast at five, so first through third years can come to the feast for two hours. Then they could maybe have a scavenger hunt in their common rooms?"

"Ok, music?"

"Mystic," said Emmeline. "They're the only way to go. And I'm not being biased. In my fairly extensive musical experience, Mystic has a great blend of genres and tempos." The girls laughed.

"We concede to the musical genius," laughed Dorcas.

"At last! A-at la-a-ast!" sang Emmeline. "You admit my genius!" Dorcas raised an eyebrow.

"Temporarily. Tomorrow the world shall return to order and I will reign once more."

"Anyway," broke in Lily. "Last few things. Food?"

"We can talk to the house elves. Simple, regular dinner food, but heavy on the desserts."

"Great! I love chocolate." Lily sighed dreamily and fell back onto her bed in a dramatic fashion.

"Well," said Alice, "that sounds like a plan." Now, how about we go raid the kitchens? I want some food before that movie."

So, the girls hauled themselves to their feet and headed down the stairs into the common room and out the portrait hole.

&

Up in the boy's dorms, James was lying on his side on his old bed, facing the wall. Remus sat on his own bed, looking at James with obvious concern. Sirius sat on the floor with his head in his hands.

"James, please. What's going on?" No answer.

"We're your friends, James. We can help." Still no answer. Silence ensued. Finally the response came, so softly they could barely hear it.

"No one can help."

&

The next few weeks continued to be very busy for Lily. James was seen everywhere, holding tryouts for the Quidditch team, planning practices, going to class, doing homework, and hanging around the grounds. By contrast, Lily was hardly ever seen. She attended meals and classes, and could be found after school in the library. She often entered at the end of classes and didn't return until ten when the library closed. She looked increasingly exhausted and was often seen to have bags under her eyes and ink everywhere, due to the fact that she was taking eight NEWT classes and handling the majority of Heads work on her own. The prefect meetings were conducted solo, and any work that she really needed James to do, she left on his desk in the Heads' Common Room. He always got it done, and it frustrated her to no end. Here she was constantly working and revising, and although he participated in tons of activities, he always seemed to have spare time.

They often passed each other entering and exiting the Head's Dormitory, but they never spoke. Once or twice Lily thought he looked briefly concerned, but he never said anything. In fact, he hardly ever looked at her anymore. It was strange, she reflected one day. It was the first day of October and she was spending a blessed hour out by the lake. It was just before dinner and the sky was turning purple, pink, and orange as the sun began to set. The leaves were starting to turn, and now and again, a leaf fell next to where Lily was sitting on the edge of the lake. She had her shoes and socks sitting next to her and one foot in the water. Looking across the vast expanse of blue, she had let her mind wander and was mildly surprised to note that it had landed on James. He had changed, she reflected. He participated in several activities, but he never seemed happy. At least, she didn't think he seemed happy. She wouldn't really know, she decided, since he never spoke to her anymore. In some ways, it was a relief. She hated being publicly humiliated, and publicity seemed to follow James everywhere. She was always surprised at the end of one of their arguments to find herself the center of attention. It had always seemed to her that their arguments were their business and their business alone. Apparently the rest of the school didn't agree. It frustrated her, how people passed judgment without knowing what they were talking about. People believed that they fought because she was a stuck-in-the-mud who was incapable of having fun, and who might bring James down just by being near him.

In the beginning, she thought, she had been young and idealistic and serious, and he just liked to have fun. It irritated her how he got good grades, yet didn't seem to care while she worked so hard to achieve what few accomplishments she had. He was effortlessly brilliant and she had hated him for it. So at first, she reflected, she had been overly serious.

Over the next six years, she had worked incredibly hard to become a prefect and then to become Head Girl. She faced adversity on both sides of the line. Her sister hated her for being magical, while the wizards hated her for being Muggle. It was a difficult situation, especially with Petunia. As children, they had been as close as it was possible for sisters to be. They constantly played together and laughed together. They could have been twins. Then, Petunia went away to school. She had returned a more serious, less spontaneous person. But they had still been close. Petunia told her all about the different classes and teachers and helped her with her homework. When Lily was scared, it had been Petunia that she'd turned to for comfort. Petunia had been her rock, her protector. And at the tender age of eleven, she'd had all that snatched away.

The arrival of the brown owl had brought with it the greatest joy Lily had ever known, and with it, the greatest sadness. From the moment Lily had stepped through the archway into Diagon Alley, Petunia had ignored her. On the one hand, Lily had suddenly had all of her dreams come true. It had been better than a Disney movie. Suddenly, she was powerful, _magical_. On the other hand, she never spoke to Petunia now if she could help it. Magic had ripped away the best friend she'd ever known.

Stepping onto the platform her first day, Lily had been in awe. In fact, she noted dryly, she hadn't really ever stopped being in awe of the magical world. But she'd learned to hide it. All because of the Purebloods. Slytherins especially had looked down on her as inferior, as mud beneath their feet. Their name for people of her birth proved it. _Mudblood._ She'd heard that slur more times than she cared to count. Dirty blood. They thought she had dirty blood. Even now as Head Girl, the highest student position in the school, they still looked down on her. Still called her Mudblood.

With a rueful laugh, she remembered a skinny, eleven-year-old James stepping in front of her and yelling at the Slytherins in his tiny, pre-adolescent voice. She might have liked him, she thought, if he hadn't been so arrogant. Always showing off with his wand and his broom. One time he even did both at once, although that hadn't been one of his finer moments. Madam Pomfrey hadn't been too happy when he'd come in with his broken skull and had to stay in the infirmary for a week. She gave a small smile. But then he'd turned fourteen and started asking her out. The smile faded. He always chose the most embarrassing ways of doing it, too, as if he needed an audience to show them all that it was funny. It was all a joke, him liking her. If he _really_ liked her, he would have understood when she said no. And he wouldn't have consistently publicly humiliated her. He could have realized, he _should_ have realized, she thought with sudden anger, how hard it was for her to have him constantly trailing her. He was the type of person who lived to break rules. She lived to follow them. He loved to have fun; she hated his type of fun. He was athletic; she was bookish. He was _brilliant_, she thought bitterly. And she was _not._

She stood up and began walking back to her dormitory in a fit of angst. Looking back out at the lake one last time, she finished her reflection. All she wanted was to love and be loved in return. She wanted someone…someone who would take away her fear, someone who would protect her from the sorrows of life. But she wasn't an invalid. She sought an equal. _Someone I need, _she thought, _but also _s_omeone_, she hesitated, _someone who needs me_.

&

After a long week of classes, Lily had gone to bed early on Friday night. Her friends would have laughed, she thought, had she been with them in Gryffindor. Going to bed at nine on a Friday was unheard of. But as it were, she was exhausted. She pulled on her pyjamas and climbed into bed with a book to read to help her fall asleep. She didn't even make it through three pages.

_Warmth, delicious warmth. And safety. Broken by a cry. A soft wailing. A groan. _

"_I got it." A rush of cool air. Lily rolled over, burying her face into the pillow. She breathed in the woodsy scent. Unable to sleep without her companion, she tiredly swung her legs out of bed. The wood floor was cool. The moonlight left silvery streaks where it touched the floor. Through the door. The carpet was fluffy and warm. Her feet sank into its depths as she padded softly down the hall. A doorway on the right. She stopped, leaning a hip against the frame and watched._

_A lone figure stood in front of a window with his back to Lily, rocking a baby. _

"_Shh Harry. It's ok. Daddy's got you." A pause. "Look out the window. See the moon? It's so pretty. Moony doesn't think so but that's a different story. Mommy and Daddy like it. In fact Mommy and Daddy had their first kiss in the moonlight. Yes they did." A glance at the baby and a soft sigh. "Now a bad man is after us. But Mommy and Daddy will protect you. He'll never get you while we're alive." _

_Unable to bear any more, Lily stepped into the room, tears ran softly down her face. The man spun around._

"_Lily?" She nodded._

"_It's me. I just…" He nodded. _

"_Come on, let's go back to bed."_

_They walked down the hallway, his arm around her shoulders, her hand clutching his. They climbed into bed._

"_Love you Lily."_

"_Love you too James."_

A ray of sunlight cutting through her curtain called her back to the land of the living. Opening her eyes, she rolled over and looked at the clock. It read 9:00. Lily groaned and struggled to remember what day it was. Was it Monday? Was she late for classes? No, she decided, she'd have set an alarm. Lying on her back, she felt vague flutterings of panic as she struggled to remember what she was doing. Slowly, it came to her. Today was Saturday. It was also the first Hogsmeade trip. She'd gone to bed early last night and…had a dream? She groaned. Of course. _The dream. _And James Potter was…her husband?

Rolling out of bed, she made her way to the bathroom she and James shared. The tag on the handle read _available_, so she opened the door and let herself in. Hopping in the shower, she let her mind wander as the warm water ran down her back. A few minutes later, she heard a musical chime. That meant that James must have tried to get into the bathroom. She got out of the shower and went into her room to get dressed. Five minutes later, she heard the shower turn on, and knew that he was up and getting ready. She turned back to her closet.

Standing in the middle of the large closet, she laughed at how her wardrobe barely took up half the closet space. Pulling on dark jeans with a slight flare and a green turtleneck, she grabbed her brown jacket and scarf and headed out of her room. She almost stopped in the common room to wait for James, until she remembered that they weren't talking. On her way down to breakfast, she scolded herself. _James has never been my friend. Why did I stop to wait for him? _The thing that worried her was that she hadn't meant to, it had just happened. His face flashed through her mind, illuminated by moonlight. She sighed. Stupid dream.

"Lily!" Lily was jolted out of her reverie by the sound of her name.

"Where are you going?" Lily looked around and saw Emmeline standing in the entrance of the Great Hall with Dorcas. Lily realized that she had walked right past the Great Hall.

"Um, nowhere. I just wasn't paying attention." Dorcas shot her a strange look and said quietly,

"Are you ok?" Lily nodded.

"Are you guys ready to get stuff for the ball?" The two girls nodded.

"Is Hestia coming?"

"Yep," said Emmeline. "She said she'd meet us in the Entrance Hall at about ten."

"Ok. Alice is late as usual, I assume," Lily said with a smile. Dorcas smiled back.

"Of course." The three girls walked into the Great Hall and sat down. Lily grabbed some toast and began to butter it. Just then, she noticed James walk into the Great Hall. She watched him sit down alone and grab a muffin. She wondered where the Marauders were, and why James wasn't with them. She also wondered what was going on with him. He'd been so quiet and so angry, and not just because of their fight. Shaking her head, she tore her gaze away from James and met Dorcas' eyes. Giving a pained smile, she busied herself with her toast. She didn't look up, but for the rest of the meal she could feel Dorcas watching her.

They met Hestia in the Entrance Hall at ten, like she had said, and waited five minutes for Alice to come tearing haphazardly down the stair case. Laughing heartily, the five girls headed out to Hogsmeade. Alice left them as they arrived, and went to meet Frank. For the other four, their first stop was Honeydukes to get some more chocolate because as Dorcas said, "Emmeline, you ate all of mine during that movie night!" The girls laughed and chimed in with "mine too!" Emmeline looked sheepish.

"What can I say? It was chocolate, and it was available!" Grinning, she headed off towards the back. Lily made her purchases and went to stand by the window, waiting for her chocoholic friends. As the crisp autumn wind blew a few leaves off the trees, she saw James walking by himself. She stepped outside.

"James!" He looked at her, and then kept on walking.

"_James!_" His back disappeared around the corner. Lily's eyes pricked with tears.

"Must be the wind," she muttered. But she knew the truth. She _hated _being ignored. And she hated _caring _that she was being ignored. For six years, all she had wanted was for him to leave her alone. And now that he finally had, all she wanted to do was talk to him. She didn't understand why he was so different. He was still brilliant, but he was often alone now. He didn't hex people and he didn't play pranks, but Lily somehow thought that it wasn't because he didn't want to, it was simply because he didn't have enough energy to care. He also didn't have enough energy to care about her. She felt her insides burn and shook her head angrily. She also hated that he could get under her skin without even trying. She didn't want him there, but she was at a loss at how to make him get out. She refused to acknowledge the thought that maybe, just maybe, she didn't want him to leave.

Half an hour later, Lily, Hestia, Dorcas, and Emmeline walked into a new dress shop that none of them had ever seen. It was called Katie's, and it was fairly small. The four of them seemed like a huge crowd in the tiny shop. Just then, a woman stood up from behind the desk. She was young, mid-twenties, with curly honey-colored hair and blue eyes.

"Hi! I'm Katie. How are you today?"

"We're great, thanks," said Emmeline, looking around.

"Are you ladies looking for anything in particular?" asked Katie.

"Actually," said Lily, "We are. We're having a masquerade ball at Hogwarts and we were looking for some nice dresses to wear."

"Oh, the ball," exclaimed Katie. "I heard all about that from my cousin, she's a second-year Hufflepuff. Desperately wants to go. I told her she could go when she's older." Katie grinned. "But as for the four of you, I'm sure I have something you'd like. Who wants to start?" Emmeline bounded forward, almost knocking into a rack.

"I'll go."

"Great. So, brown hair, brown eyes, fairly pale…"

"Hey!"

"Sorry," Katie laughed. "No offense meant, but I have to make note of this stuff in order to get a flattering dress for you." Emmeline looked slightly mollified and Katie continued, "It's the people who delude themselves about their features who look bad." Katie began pulling dresses off the racks. After gathering about ten, she handed them to Emmeline.

"Try these on." She pointed to the dressing room. "You ladies can wait right here and we can do a sort of fashion show." Lily grinned happily. "Great! Thanks."

The first five were varying shades of blue. Emmeline's audience rejected them all. The sixth through ninth dresses were all black.

"Nope," said Hestia. "That's not quite right."

The last dress was a deep pink, strapless gown. The bodice was structured corset-style, with cream cords running across the back. The front of the bodice was covered in a sheer lace, ending in a narrow strip of cream-colored satin. The skirt fell to just past Emmeline's knees, accentuating her curves perfectly.

"Beautiful," commented Katie. Surveying herself in the mirror, Emmeline agreed. "Done!" she said cheerfully. "Hestia, your turn." Hestia looked apprehensive, but she took the dresses Katie gave her into the dressing room. She struck gold on the first try. The silver dress had one strap, on Hestia's left shoulder. The bodice fit nicely, accentuating her small bust and tiny waist. The skirt fell straight to the floor, but had a very daring slit that went to just above her knees. The silver color brought out her blue eyes and pale skin, and contrasted nicely with her dark hair.

"I'll take this one."

Next, it was Lily's turn.

She immediately refused all the green dresses, pointing to her turtleneck and saying she already had too much green. She tried on a few black dresses, but proclaimed them too dark for autumn. Finally, she tried on a pale gold dress. At first glance, it may have seemed ugly. It was a strange color, and had a very plain cut. It had a medium-sized band of fabric that clung delicately to her throat. In the center of the band, there was a gold ring. The band attached to the upper portion of the ring, and the top of the bodice connected to the bottom half. The material was cut straight across the bust, under her arms and around her back where it sloped up and reattached to the band with only a small teardrop-shaped hole showing some skin. It was like a halter, but the material was connected at the front and the back, and the neckband closed with a few delicate hooks. There was a narrow strip of fabric just under the bust that tied in the back, and the skirt fell to mid-calf. On anyone else, it might have been a fashion disaster, but on Lily, it was beautiful.

Dorcas' dress was a deep blue, accentuating her blue eyes. It was strapless and fell to mid-calf. It was the perfect dress. Just as Dorcas was changing out of her dress, Alice burst into the shop, out of breath.

"Sorry," she gasped. "I was with Frank, and I completely forgot until I looked at the clock and realized I was late." The other girls just grinned.

"This is Alice," Lily said to Katie.

"She's always late," put in Emmeline with a smile. Lily grinned and continued with the introductions.

"Alice, this is Katie. She owns the shop, obviously, and is a marvel with dresses."

"Nice to meet you Katie."

"Same to you, and I assume you're looking for a dress also?" Alice looked hesitant.

"Maybe. I'm not sure if I'm going."

"Not going!" burst Emmeline. "Of course you're going!"

"But Frank can't go, so I'd have no one to go with."

"You can go with me," said Lily. "I won't have a date either."

"You don't know that Lily, all the boys like you," said Alice mischievously. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Well they don't like me," said Hestia, "so you can be my date." Emmeline grinned.

"Mine too. I'm not going with anyone either."

"I'd go with you, but I already have a date." Said Dorcas. They looked at her in shock.

"Dorcas, you have a date?" asked Emmeline. "Why didn't I know about this?"

"Well, it's Fabian Prewitt, and he asked me last night. I didn't say anything because…I don't know. I guess I just wanted it to be mine for one night."

"Ok," said Emmeline. "Congratulations! But can we finish this discussion outside after Alice gets a dress because we only have twenty minutes until we have to leave." The others looked up in shock.

"Sure," said Lily. "Alice, can you find a dress in twenty minutes?"

"I'll find her one," said Katie. "Let's go."

Nineteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, the girls were checking out.

"I can't believe you found a dress that fast!" Alice said in admiration.

"Well, it comes with the trade," replied Katie. "And it was a pleasure helping you ladies. I wouldn't want you to have to leave without dresses!"

"Thanks!" said Alice. "And thanks for helping with my dress, it's beautiful."

Alice's dress was red. It had a flattering cut for her curvy figure and it was floor-length. It looked beautiful with her curly blonde hair and hazel-green eyes.

"Yeah, too bad Frank won't get to see it," said Lily.

"Oh, I don't know. I plan on having this dress for a while!"

The bell rang over their heads as they exited the shop into the crisp autumn breeze.

"So, to continue our discussion from before, you're going with Fabian Prewett?" asked Lily.

"Yes," replied Dorcas. "He came up to me after dinner last night and just asked me if I'd go with him. And I said yes. What about you?"

"What about me? I already said I'm not going with anyone."

"Yeah, but who do you want to go with?"

"Well…" Lily paused. "There's really only one person I want to go with, but I don't think he'll ask me. We don't really talk much."

"Who's that?" asked Hestia.

"Well, it's Gideon Prewett actually. He's really cute. You have good taste Dorcas, going with his twin!"

The girls laughed and continued discussing Gideon and Fabian, and a few other guys. Behind them, James Potter walked quietly, hands in his pockets. Despite the fact that he claimed to be over Lily, he couldn't help but feel his stomach jump as she mentioned the fact that she didn't talk much with the guy she wanted to go with. One hand fisted frustratedly at his side as he listened to the girls shriek over Gideon Prewett.


	3. Chapter 3

The week leading up to the ball, classes were inordinately difficult as the teachers struggled to keep their student's attenti

The week leading up to the ball, classes were inordinately difficult as the teachers struggled to keep their student's attention on schoolwork. They seemed to feel that the best way to go about this was to assign loads of homework. Lily now constantly looked overextended as she flitted between the library and her common room, hardly pausing for meals.

Even James was often in the common room studying and doing homework. Lily and James now spent hours together in their common room, but they still never spoke. Once or twice, Lily would go to ask James a question, and he always ignored her. Too stressed out to really care, Lily brushed it off and continued working.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was the only class not assigning homework. However, they still had long class discussions. Last class, they had brought in Muggle newspapers and wizarding newspapers and compared the two. The results had been shocking, especially for Lily. More and more Muggle deaths were being reported in the Muggle newspapers as being caused by freak accidents. As a first step in the analysis of the article, Professor Chandler would make them guess what the accident really was. Their findings were sickening. They found evidence of troll attacks and giant rampages. There was evidence in one enormous car collision that one or more cars had been attacked, causing the accident. Not to mention the random deaths that kept occurring. Entire families were found dead in their homes. Some showed severe spell damage. But the most sickening thing of all was the fact that _not one mention_ of _any_ of the attacks appeared in the Daily Prophet.

Lily left each one of these classes feeling more helpless and angry than before. Muggles were being murdered and the wizarding world wanted nothing to do with it. The whole situation cut Lily deeply as she realized the extent to which the wizarding world would go to ignore Muggles. So, she plunged herself deeply into her schoolwork, vowing to learn everything she could. She had faced prejudice before and overcome it and she would do it again. She would show the Wizarding world what a Muggleborn could do; she would bring the plight of the Muggles to the attention of the wizarding world whether they liked it or not.

The evening of the ball, Lily and her friends were getting ready in the Gryffindor dorms. Alice had the shower last, and the other girls were already putting on their dresses.

"Lily, can you help me with this dress?" asked Emmeline. "I can't tie and hold it in place at the same time." Lily laughed at Emmeline attempting to hold her dress up with one hand and tie the cords behind her back with the other. She was contorted into a very funny position.

"Sure, hang on a sec." Lily adjusted her own dress one last time and walked over. She tied up the corset part of Emmeline's pink dress. "There. Beautiful."

"Thanks Lily. Dorcas, want help with that?" Emmeline ran over to assist Dorcas with the zipping of her dress. Just then, Alice came flying out of the bathroom.

"Could someone zip my dress please? I've been trying and trying but I just. Can't. Get it!" She stumbled onto a bed, still trying to yank her zipper up. Emmeline collapsed on her bed, shaking with laughter. Lily sank to the floor, one arm wrapped around her stomach. Dorcas was laughing too, but she went over to offer assistance.

"Here you go Alice."

"Thanks," Alice gasped as her dress finally stopped sliding around.

"Do you want me to do your hair too?" asked Dorcas.

"Sure, just don't make it look too horrible." Dorcas guided Alice over to the mirror and looked at her reflection.

"Ok, I think I have an idea." She flicked her wand and Alice's dirty blonde hair arranged itself in a stylish messy bun with a few strands framing her face.

"It's perfect," Alice breathed. "Now, let me do yours." Alice twisted her wand, and Dorcas' honey-blonde hair twisted into a half-up do with the top part twisted into a tiny, spiky bun. It made Dorcas look beautiful and exotic.

"This is great, thanks Alice!"

"You're welcome. Now, who's next? Lily? Step right into Alice's beauty salon." Alice waved her wand extravagantly, gesturing to the chair in front of her. Lily stepped up and sat down.

"What are you going to do? I don't want it too wild." Alice gave Lily a patronizing look.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. When have I ever given you a bad hairdo? Except for that one time," she added hastily as Lily opened her mouth. Lily sighed.

"Fine," she said with a wave of her hand. "Do as you will." Alice gave a little squeal.

"Yay! Thanks Lily!" Studying Lily's face in the mirror, Alice began muttering to herself. After a moment, she gave her wand a quick twirl. The top part of Lily's red hair flew up into an intricate pattern. It started with five little ponytails by her forehead. From there, each ponytail split, and half of one joined with half of the one next to it, creating a diamond-like pattern atop her head. Alice looked in satisfaction and proclaimed Lily done.

"All right Emmeline, come on up." Emmeline sat down. For Emmeline, Alice waved her wand and carefully curled all of her straight brown hair. She pulled back the front but left two face-framing pieces, one on either side.

"Beautiful," Alice said. "So let's grab our funky masks and go, since Dorcas has to meet her date and everything." Dorcas flushed slightly and the girls headed out of their dorm.

&

Up in the boys dorm, the scene was much more subdued. Sirius was primping half-heartedly in front of the mirror. Remus was already dressed in his dress robes, and was sitting on his bed, head in his hands. Peter was fussing about in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he came out and proceeded to sit on his bed. Sirius sighed and turned around.

"Where is he?" The other two just shook their heads mutely. "He said he'd be here. He _promised_! Especially after he's been avoiding us for _two months!_" Sirius sank down on his bed. "He promised." The three of them sat there for a while. Suddenly, it was Remus' turn to sigh.

"It's been four months. They were killed in July. And James still hasn't made any attempt to live. Merlin, he even gave up on Lily! I thought he was in love with her."

Sirius looked at Remus, some of the mischievous light coming back into his eyes.

"Maybe he still is." Remus looked at him sharply.

"Padfoot, what are you thinking?"

"Well Moony, my good fellow, I'm thinking we set them up. Lily doesn't have a date, does she?"

Remus shook his head. "No."

"And we both know James doesn't have a date either. And we also know that Heads traditionally open these balls by dancing. So, we let them dance, then-"

"Then see how it goes." Remus cut in. "If it goes well we can do whatever you were planning. Which has nothing to do with drugs, spells, alcohol, or potions, correct?"

Sirius looked stymied for a second, and then decided he should probably nod.

"Correct. None…of that stuff that you said. Right."

"Seriously, Padfoot. And no-" But it was too late.

"I am Sirius," said Sirius, waggling his eyebrows and laughing. Remus just looked at him and his laughter slowly died out.

"Right, not funny. What were you saying Moony?" Remus just shook his head. "Let's just go find James."

The three of them walked down to the Entrance Hall, where everyone else stood holding masks. The doors to the Great Hall were closed and the crowd was alive with excitement.

"Where's James?" Shouted Peter over the noise. Sirius shook his shaggy head.

"No idea," he shouted back. They looked around and spotted Lily with her friends. "I'll go ask Lily," said Remus. "Maybe she's seen him." He walked over and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hi Lily, you look beautiful tonight." She looked at him and smiled.

"You look very handsome also. What's on your mind?"

"Have you seen James?"

"James?" Lily looked puzzled. "No, why? He's here, right? We have to open the ball."

"Actually, we can't find him. We haven't really spoken to him in a while."

"Well I can't really help you. He speaks to me less than he speaks to the three of you," said Lily.

"Interestingly enough, that's not true. When's the last time you spoke to him?"

Lily stared at the ceiling, thinking. "That would be…a few hours ago. I said hello as I went to get my dress out of my room. He didn't say anything though, as usual."

"I haven't spoken to him since last Thursday when I asked him to pass me the salt at dinner."

Lily looked apologetic. "I'm sorry Remus. Why won't he speak to you?"

"Well, he has some issues he's been working through I suppose. But I've just about had enough. Do you think you can find him?"

Lily started, and then looked determined. "Yeah, I can find him. Would you ask Dumbledore not to start the ball until we get back?"

"Sure," Remus said. "Thanks Lily."

She gave him a slight smile and headed off towards the Heads Dormitory.

&

Inside the Heads Dormitory, James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was brooding; had been for some time. Eyes fixated on the small crack running across the white ceiling, he let his mind wander. He didn't really feel like going to this ball. His parents had loved formal events, but he had always hated them. He remembered with a flash of pain how his mother would always start getting ready ridiculously early. His father would tease her saying things like, "I didn't know being three hours early was the custom. Is this new?" His mother would always laugh and say, "Oh, Harold," and swat him on the arm. James' eyes burned. Just then, there was a knock on his door.

"Go away."

"James?" His stomach gave a massive leap. "It's Lily. Can I come in?" He took a deep breath. He didn't want to see anyone, but it was _Lily._ He sighed.

"Fine," he said curtly. The door opened and Lily stepped inside. _Merlin, _he thought. _She's beautiful._ Then he remembered their fight. _I don't like her anymore_, he reminded himself. _I'm over her._

"Are you ok?" Her emerald eyes shone with concern. He laughed bitterly inside. Well this was a first. She was concerned for him. He didn't want anyone's pity.

"I'm fine. Could you please go away? Now?"

Lily looked hurt. "Your friends are worried about you." James felt a flash of annoyance. Of course he'd been avoiding them. He didn't want pity, and that was all they had to offer him. He was so involved in his angry thoughts that he almost missed her last statement. It was so quiet he could barely hear it.

"I was worried about you."

It was this, more than anything that caused James to stand up. "Well sorry to worry you," he spat. "Because god forbid Lily Evans actually care about anyone other than herself."

James shook himself internally. That hadn't even made sense. But at least his tone got her to back off. Just then, she opened her mouth. Maybe she hadn't backed off after all.

"Look _James_, I don't know what the _hell_ is wrong with you, but you better straighten it out _fast._ Your friends are miserable; you've been avoiding them for weeks. The teachers all wonder what the heck is wrong with you since you barely pay attention in class. And I," her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears. She had been walking closer and closer during her tirade, and James could now feel her finger poking into his chest. His stomach felt sick at her nearness. He wasn't used to it. He wasn't used to being near her anymore. And now that he was, _God._ He looked at her flushed face and tearful eyes in an attempt to distract himself from her closeness.

"I," she continued, a tear tracking down her cheek, "Am _sick_ of doing all your work. I never sleep anymore because I'm so busy doing everything that you're not. I need help, ok? I need help." Another tear made it's way down her cheek, and suddenly James found that he was touching her.

"Ok," he said. She sighed and looked past him. They stood like that for a moment, his thumb on her cheek, and her looking out his window.

"We need to go," she said. "We're supposed to be opening this thing."

James was momentarily confused. _Oh yeah_, he remembered. _The ball._ He found that he was incapable of removing his hand from her face, so desperate was he for contact, that he was glad when she broke the touch. But as they headed down the stairs, his hand tingled.

Entering the Great Hall, Lily looked at him. He looked straight ahead as Dumbledore announced their arrival. The music began to play and he walked next to her towards the dance floor. Once in the center, he placed his hands on her waist. He closed his eyes as he felt her arms snake around his neck. His breathing became uneven. As the music started to play, he revolved slowly on the spot. After about a minute, he got enough control to look at her. She wasn't looking at him. Instead, she was gazing around the hall. The music continued.

James adjusted his grip to make himself a little more comfortable, inadvertently pulling her closer in the process. His stomach was already such a mass of emotion, he could barely add any more. The smell of crushed flowers and cinnamon drifted up to him from her hair. He took a breath, and slowly breathed out. He could barely keep moving. Fortunately, the song ended. He felt Lily look at him, but couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. Just then, he felt her move under his hands. He looked down as she moved his head towards her and kissed his cheek. He hugged her for a moment, pulling her close. She whispered in his ear, "Thanks for the dance." Then she pulled away. James stood there, his whole body tingling, but his cheek especially burned where she had kissed it. Rubbing it absent-mindedly, he moved to a table and sat down.

Not too far away, Remus and Sirius were grinning excitedly.

"This is great!" hissed Sirius as he watched Lily cast one last look at James before walking towards her friends. "Did you see that?"

"Did I see what?" asked Remus. "Did I see Lily and James dancing, did I see them practically crackling with electricity, did I see _her_ kiss _him,_ or do I now see him sitting by himself rubbing the spot where she kissed him?" Sirius just looked at him.

"Moony, you are way too damn perceptive. So what do we do now?"

"No, idea." Said Remus.

"Ok, but whatever we do, I get to name it. In fact, I title it…Operation Lily and James!" Sirius finished grandly. Remus arched an eyebrow.

"You're so clever Padfoot."

"Thanks." Said Sirius. "I like to think so."

But the surprises were not over yet. Remus and Sirius watched in consternation and Gideon Prewitt went over to Lily and asked her to dance. Remus looked concerned as he watched a blush rise in her cheeks. His heart sank as he watched her get up and walk to the dance floor with Gideon. For each successive dance after that, he felt worse and worse. He watched Gideon and Lily continue to dance, and he watched James sink lower in his chair. Finally, about an hour before the dance ended, James left. Remus groaned and put his head on his arms.

"This is horrible. Sirius, go cut in. Please." Sirius looked at Remus in shock.

"But what if it's too late?" Remus just shook his head, so Sirius went over.

"May I cut in?" Lily looked shocked for a moment, then disappointed.

"I'll see you around nine then? On the fifth? Where do you want to meet?"

"Um, how about the entrance hall?" Gideon replied. "We can decide where to sit from there." Lily flushed slightly.

"Great. I'll see you then."

"Bye Lily." Gideon walked off.

"What do you want, Sirius?"

Sirius just looked at her sadly. "Do you see James?"

Lily looked around, searching. "No."

"Exactly," said Sirius, and he walked off. A while later as Lily sat by herself thinking about James and her date with Gideon, the clock tolled eleven, officially ending the Halloween Ball.

&

Sunday passed all too quickly for Lily. She spent most of her time out by the lake with her friends, enjoying the last semblances of summer. It seemed Lily was not the only one who had garnered a date at the ball; Dorcas had been asked to the Quidditch game by Fabian, and they were going to double date with Gideon and Lily.

"I'm so excited!" cried Dorcas in a rare display of girliness. Lily just grinned.

"Me too. Gideon is so nice and sweet. I danced with him at the ball a few times."

"A few times?" broke in Hestia. "You two were all over each other." Lily flushed. Hestia asked another question. "What about James?" She said it so quietly that Lily barely heard her.

"What about him?" The reply came out more harshly than Lily had intended. Hestia just looked at her.

"He really likes you. Additionally, you like him."

"First, I don't like him. Second, he doesn't like me either."

"Lily, are you insane?" asked Emmeline. "The boy has been obsessed with you since we were eleven!"

"Well he's not this year, is he?" That also came out sounding bitter. Lily flushed again. "Besides. I'm going on my date with Gideon and it will be fine. Everything will be fine." But even as she said it, she knew she didn't believe it. She stood up and began the long, slow walk back to her dorm. Stopping in the library, she sat down in her favorite window seat to think.

James Potter. He was so different this year. He was, for lack of a better word, confusing. He seemed to be getting more and more distant with his friends and the rest of the world, but he got closer to her…sort of. It was interesting. James had always been a public person; he loved the roar of the crowds during Quidditch, and the special attention paid to his life afterwards. But now, he was very withdrawn, very…private.

Lily sighed and headed back up to her dorm. She entered the portrait hole and headed over to her desk when she heard a noise. She turned around and walked towards the movement on the couch. As she got closer, she saw James lying there, fast asleep. One hand hung off the couch and his glasses were on the table. Lily just looked at him. He looked so vulnerable when he was sleeping. It was easy to like him when he was like this…_No. No it's not. I'll just get him a blanket and go. _She conjured a blanket with a wave of her wand and went to put it over him. She pulled it up to his shoulders and went to move his arm underneath. She grabbed his hand gently to move it up and under the blanket. Just then, James grabbed her hand. He rolled towards her slightly and muttered her name, "Lily." She looked at him.

"James?" He continued sleeping. _He's asleep?_ She thought. _Why would he call out my name when he's sleeping? _Emmeline's voice came into her mind. "The boy has been obsessed with you since we were eleven!" Lily shook her head and glanced down at their entwined hands. With a shock she realized that she'd been rubbing his knuckles with her thumb. She stopped abruptly and gently disentangled her hand. As he let go, a frown grew on his face. He began to thrash in his sleep.

"No, please…NO!" He kept muttering and thrashing. Lily seemed a little frightened. She needed to get away from him; she always did funny things when she was around him, but he clearly needed help. She sat down next to him and began stroking his hair.

"James."

"No, please don't hurt them. I'll do _anything._" He seemed to be begging someone, but for what? Just then he sat up with a strangled gasp. His eyes were over bright. Lily realized with a shock that he looked like he was going to cry.

Shuddering, he brought a hand to his face and covered his eyes. Watching him, Lily realized that he looked exhausted, as if he hadn't slept for days. He was still shaking, and suddenly she found herself hugging him. As his face buried itself in her hair, she felt tiny shocks coming from her scalp. It made her nervous. He made her nervous. But what scared her most of all was that she had again lost control of her actions around him. She hadn't meant to hug him, it had just happened.

They sat there in that position for what seemed like an eternity. Gradually, James' breathing slowed and he calmed down. Sitting up, James looked away from her, his face turning a dull red.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"James," Lily said in a soft voice. He didn't look at her. She reached up slowly and touched his cheek. He froze. She turned his head towards her until he was looking into her eyes.

"It's ok." There was a pause. "Do you want to talk about it?" She stared at him. His eyes were amazing, she noticed. From far away, they looked plain hazel, but close up, one could see gold flecks spiraling…and the bags under his eyes. They were huge. He must have had nightmares every night since the start of term to look like that. Lily wondered how she had missed it. James still hadn't answered. They sat there in stalemate, each refusing, or unable, to look away. Lily asked again.

"James, what happened?" His eyes changed, their expression unfathomable. They were dull, yet filled with indescribable sadness and pain. He sighed and opened his mouth. There was a long pause. Finally he muttered,

"My parents."

"Your parents?"

"They're…" He struggled for a moment. "They're dead." He looked like a little boy with his eyes so lost and his posture so defeated. Lily couldn't bear it. She reached out and took his hand. "I'm so sorry."

He took a deep breath, concentrating on twining his fingers with hers.

"Voldemort killed them." Lily was shocked.

"Voldemort? But why?" James' eyes were hard. Lily squeezed his hand gently.

"They were Aurors. He wanted them dead. And now…"

"Now what?" But James just shook his head. Moving closer he pulled her into another hug. Just then he mumbled something that made her freeze.

"I feel like I can breathe."

"What?" she asked, petrified. He held her for a moment longer, then looked up, blushing.

"I said, I feel like I can breathe when you're around." He looked defiant and embarrassed and he stood.

"I'll see you around Lily."

That was the day everything changed.

&

After their talk that afternoon, Lily and James were friends. For the next few days, they were attached at the hip. For the most part, it was impossible to find Lily without James and vice versa. They had just about all the same classes, and could often be found studying together in the library. James was still distant with everyone else though, and the rumor mill was still going strong regarding his sudden desire for solitude that year.

One of the few times when they weren't together was when James had Quidditch practice. It was on one of these days that Gideon came up to Lily, who was alone in the library, to discuss their date.

"Hey Lily." Lily looked up from the huge tome she was devouring.

"Oh! Hi Gideon. You startled me." She smiled at him. "What's on your mind?"

"Well, I was just wondering if our date was still on and all. I've seen you and James looking quite cozy recently and I was just wondering…"

Lily gave a half smile and forced out a laugh. Inside, she felt a swoop of disappointment.

"Oh no, James and I are just friends." _Just friends, yeah…_

"OK, good to know." He gave her a lopsided smile and Lily felt her cheeks flush. He was very attractive with his reddish hair, bright blue eyes, and charming smile. He even had one dimple, on his left cheek. "So we're still on?"

"We're still on," she confirmed. "How have you been?" she asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

"Me? I've been great. It's a bit stressful what with Quidditch and my studies. You know how it is. Or maybe you don't actually, but Ravenclaws are prone to some very intense studying." He grinned. "No slackers in that house! Well, except me." Lily laughed.

"You? Never." She sounded mock scandalized.

"Really," he said, nodding vigorously. "I just say I'm going to study, and lo and behold, I end up studying the workings of the house elves in the kitchen!"

Giggling, Lily said, "One day you'll have to show me." Gideon gave a dashing smile.

"Actually, lovely lady, I can accompany you right now, if you're done?"

"Well, I suppose I could put this essay off for _one _night…" She grinned at him impishly.

"Done," he said, helping her gather her papers. "Let's go." He offered her his arm.

"Thank you, kind sir," she said with a small laugh.

"You are most welcome, my fair lady."

Together they headed off towards the kitchens. Lily was shocked to discover that they were right behind the painting of the fruit bowl she often admired. And she was astounded by the house elves.

"They're so polite!" She exclaimed. "What do they get paid to act like this?"

She was less than happy, however, when she found that they were essentially slaves.

"It's not right," she raged. "They should get holidays and, and sick leave and pensions and everything. It's not fair!"

Gideon simply watched her, amused by her actions, and enraptured by her beauty.

"It may not be fair, but it's been like this for centuries."

"So?" Lily asked. "That doesn't mean it can't change!"

"Well, why don't you ask them how they feel about, what was it? Oh yes, 'sick leave and pensions.'" Gideon then proceeded to watch in amusement as Lily narrowly avoided offending all of the house elves. So it was to a laughing Gideon and a blushing Lily that James entered the kitchens.

Walking in, he just looked at the two of them, sitting together at a small table. Lily noticed him first.

"Hey James! How was practice?"

"Fine," said James curtly. Lily was slightly hurt, but she was more confused by the look in his eyes. She couldn't read him right now, and it frustrated her. He seemed almost, annoyed. But no, there was too much emotion there for him to be merely annoyed. Just then, Lily realized that she was staring at him.

"Right, well I'm glad your practice was ok. James, I think you know Gideon?" James jaw tensed slightly. Lily was pretty sure she was the only one to notice. James nodded twice, curtly.

"Gideon, this is James."

"Hey James. How's your Quidditch team? You're captain, right?" James gave another curt nod.

"Congratulations! That's quite an honor. Head Boy too, not too shabby." James just looked at him. Gideon looked at Lily. Lily shrugged.

"Anyway, Gideon and I are going to head out. I'll see you later James." He just watched her, that unfathomable look still in his eyes.

Lily dragged Gideon out into the hall where they both erupted into nervous laughter.

"That…was the single…most awkward moment…of my entire life!" Lily said, laughing.

"Me too! Wow, remind me not to mess with James. He sure is…different."

"Well, if you think about it, you should deal well with odd people." Gideon looked at Lily, confused.

"You're a Ravenclaw."

"Hey!" Gideon exclaimed. "That's totally…I mean…"

"So you're saying you have no comeback?" said Lily, mischievously. "All good looks and no brains, huh?"

"What? How can you…What are you…" Lily just laughed.

"From now on, I dub thee 'Pretty Boy.' All looks, no smarts."

"But I'm in Ravenclaw!" said Gideon, feebly.

"Come on, pretty boy. Let's go get some food." So Lily dragged a still sputtering Gideon down to the Great Hall, laughing the whole way.


	4. Chapter 4

Lily and James were still friends, but he had become more distant with her after the kitchen meeting

**A/N Ok, sorry for the long wait. I have excuses, but I definitely know that they don't matter. So instead, I give this chapter as a peace offering. With more to come!**

Lily and James were still friends, but he had become more distant with her after the kitchen meeting. Frustrated, she turned to Gideon, and the two of them were seen together often. One morning, not long after the kitchen extravaganza, Lily received a red rose at breakfast. Looking over at Gideon, she saw him give her a wink. From then on, Lily and Gideon were considered an item. He asked her out not long afterwards, and they agreed to make the Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch game their first official date.

The day of the game was bright and sunny. A good omen, it seemed, for their first official date. Lily woke up that morning feeling refreshed and happy. Rolling out of bed, she noticed that the bathroom was _occupied._ She decided to get dressed first, and do her makeup later. She walked into her enormous closet, and grinned at the absurdity of it. Lily was not a material person; that is, she did not rely on objects to make her happy. She had loved Gideon's rose for its symbolism, not its extravagance. _That, _she mused, _is where James Potter always went wrong. _She didn't want extravagance. She didn't need trinkets and baubles, she just wanted commitment.

Lily smiled thinking of Gideon. He was good looking, handsome even. She herself was not badly off in the appearances department. With her curly, shoulder-length red hair, bright green eyes and creamy pale skin, she was often considered the beauty of Gryffindor. Personally, she felt that Dorcas had the market cornered on looks with her blonde hair and blue eyes, but who was she to judge?

Gideon was also like her in many ways. He was smart and studious; he liked getting good grades. He was athletic, but not overly so. She ran, he was a chaser on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. _To be fair, _she thought, _he has nothing on James in Quidditch._ But Lily wasn't looking for perfect. She was looking for perfect for her. And Gideon certainly seemed to fit the bill.

Picking out khaki pants and a red, pink, and white flowered shirt, Lily headed out into her room. She noticed that the bathroom was now available, so she entered. The mirror was still steamy and the bathroom quite warm from the shower. Lily grabbed a towel to wipe off the mirror so she could finish getting ready.

Ten minutes and four hairstyles later, Lily headed down to the Great Hall with her hair in a messy bun. Two, curly, face-framing strands hung loose. Light make up enhanced her already perfect skin. All in all, Lily looked great. She attracted a few appreciative looks as she walked into the Great Hall. Gideon was already there and he waved her over.

"Lily!" Lily smiled.

"Gideon, hi! How are you today?"

"I'm great, and yourself?"

"Great."

"Would you like a seat?" Gideon asked. Lily hesitated. She wasn't sure she wanted to sit at the Ravenclaw table under the scrutiny of the entire hall. She looked at Gideon and noticed his earnest expression. She assented, and was secretly pleased at his look of excitement. As she sat down, Gideon spoke again.

"I know at the ball we arranged to meet in the Entrance Hall, but you looked so lovely I couldn't resist."

Lily flushed. She wasn't used to so many compliments. Contrary to popular belief, she hadn't had any boyfriends. Admirers, sure, but no boyfriends. She had never met anyone she felt comfortable taking that step with. Gideon had fallen into her lap, and as he buttered some toast for her, Lily thought she couldn't have been luckier.

"I can do that, you know," she said, in reference to the buttering. He smiled at her.

"I know, and in the future, I'll let you. I just figured since today's our first "real" date and all, I should be gentlemanly."

"You mean, you aren't always a gentleman? What did I really sign up for?" Lily asked mischievously.

"Well, you know, I'm always a perfect gentleman, I just tone it down sometimes around people who aren't quite as perfect." Lily looked at him with her mouth open.

"Did you just insult me?" she asked. Then her mouth fell open even farther. "And was that a comeback?" Gideon put his hands to his cheeks in mock shock.

"Oh no!" he said teasingly. "The lady can't handle the truth! She's going crazy! What will she do next?" He studied her then, with a wide-eyed, unblinking stare. She just laughed and playfully swatted his arm.

"Oh, you." She grinned. "I'll get you back for that, just you wait and see."

&

Across the hall, James Potter wore a dark frown. He was watching Lily sit with Gideon. At first, he hadn't thought she'd do it. Lily was usually a very reserved person. Blatantly sitting with her…he spit the word out unwillingly: _boyfriend,_ was very unusual. Feeling strange, James Potter watched them sit together and flirt with an atypical amount of concentration. Just then, he saw Lily's jaw drop. He began to stand when he saw Gideon put on a mock shocked look. Sitting back down he watched Lily laugh. Merlin she was beautiful when she laughed. Just then, he saw her playfully swat Gideon's arm with a cry of "oh, you!"

Suddenly James was four years old watching his parents get ready for a party. He recalled for the millionth time that year, the scenes of them mock fighting. So, it was with a troubled stomach and a sick heart that James left the Great Hall. Maybe he wouldn't go to the Quidditch game today after all.

&

At the Quidditch game, Lily and Gideon sat in the Gryffindor section.

"It's only fair," he explained. "You had breakfast with Ravenclaws, I watch the game with Gryffindors." Lily smiled at him happily and they sat back to watch the game. It was a hard game, fast-paced and furious. The Hufflepuffs were playing with an unusual amount of reckless abandon, making the game more interesting. The Slytherins were dirty, as always, and were often booed.

The game went on for a few hours with the action centered around the Quaffle and the Bludgers. Lily typically enjoyed Quidditch, but with the game being so close, "accidents" began to occur. First, a Slytherin chaser blatantly fouled another chaser from Hufflepuff. In retaliation, the Hufflepuffs fouled the Slytherin keeper. Madam Hooch's whistle seemed to be constantly blowing, its shrill sound permeating the air.

But as a Hufflepuff chaser was carried off with a cracked skull, Lily felt decidedly queasy. Just then, she felt a solid warmth around her shoulders and froze. Looking at Gideon, he gave a one-shouldered shrug, the other arm around her shoulders. She grinned at him and relaxed into his arm. As the game went on, the temperature fell lower and lower. Most of the crowd was sitting now, and the lighting charms were starting to be activated around the pitch. With a flick of her wand, Lily conjured blankets for her and Gideon. The rest of the crowd cottoned on and soon, everyone had blankets, with varying degrees of success. While Lily's blankets were squishy, blue, and warm, a girl a few seats over had a brown blanket that was mooing like a cow. The game droned on.

An hour later Lily was dozing lightly on Gideon's shoulder. He smiled, running a hand through her thick, red hair. Her eyes opened and she looked at him sleepily.

"Nothing's going on. I'll let you know when there is. Kay?" She nodded and her eyes fell shut again. They sat like that for a while as the score remained 200 to 170, Hufflepuff in the lead. As the Hufflepuff chasers flew toward the Slytherin goal posts, Gideon felt eyes boring into him. Shifting a sleeping Lily slightly, he looked around. Just then there was a shout.

"The Snitch is out!"

The crowd jumped to its feet staring at the two Seekers. All except Gideon and the mystery starer. Gideon could still feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. He continued to crowd gaze. Just at the Hufflepuff seeker caught the snitch, Gideon made eye contact with none other than James Potter.

They stared at each other for a moment as the Hufflepuff celebration began, then Gideon turned around. The crowd began to file off the pitch and the lighting charm began to dim. As the pitch slowly emptied, Gideon went to wake Lily up. He looked at her fondly. He really did like her. She was so pretty and vivacious and smart…perfect really. He ran a hand through her hair again and she stirred.

"Lily? Wake up." She groaned softly but remained asleep. He tried again. "Lily?"

Just then, he heard a husky voice from behind him.

"I'll take her." He spun to find James Potter.

"I can take her," James said. "So she doesn't have to wake up." Gideon just looked at him. "We share a dorm."

Looking at James, Gideon sensed no ill intent. He looked at her reluctantly.

"All right," he said. "But be careful…do you know a way she can get in without being seen by too many people?"

James looked at Gideon disdainfully. He nodded once. Gideon sighed.

"All right. Hang on a second." Conjuring a piece of parchment and a quill, he wrote something and tucked it in Lily's pocket. James watched in silence. As soon as Gideon was done, James hefted Lily into his arms. Gideon looked at him sadly.

"Thanks James." And he left.

&

Back in the Head's common room, James set a sleeping Lily on the couch. His arms tingled where he had held her and his chest burned where her head had lain. He conjured a blanket and pulled it over her gently, tucking her in. She shifted slightly in her sleep, turning her face to the ceiling. A tendril of curly, red hair lay across her cheek. Unable to help himself, James reached out. He paused an inch away from her face, but he couldn't resist. A jolt shot up his arm as his hands came in contact with her soft cheek. He slid his fingertips towards her ear as he moved the piece of hair. Lily slept on, oblivious. Painfully, he removed his hand and went to sit down. Sitting, he watched her sleep.

She was so innocent, he reflected. Kind, beautiful, intelligent…not his. He sighed and put his head in his hands. He was exhausted; the long, sleepless nights were finally starting to catch up to him. Every night, memories of his parents tortured him. He dreamed of their deaths often. All the discussion in DADA and the gossip in the halls following attacks caused those dreams to be horrifically vivid. He didn't want to dream anymore.

In his emotionally fragile state, he gave up his charade. He loved her, and he just didn't have the energy to pretend otherwise. In the morning, he would be back to normal, he decided. As the thought crossed his mind, an ocean of feelings crashed over him. His stomach turned; he felt sick. Even his bones ached. Repressing his feelings until they were just a mere throb in his head, James fell asleep.

&

November passed in a blur of decreasing temperatures and increasing workloads. Death Eater attacks were also on the rise; even the Daily Prophet could not disguise the havoc Voldemort's followers were wreaking among the land. In Defense Against the Dark Arts, they were continuing with their class discussions. The last lesson had begun the topic of wartime ethics and morals.

"Today I heard an interesting comment," said Professor Chandler. "As I walked through the halls, I heard someone declare their hatred of Death Eaters. This in and of itself is not such a bad thing, but the discussion continued. This person went on to say to his companion, 'At least we're not Slytherins. We're on the good side. Now," Professor Chandler continued, staring hard at the class, "that was not meant to be a jibe at the Slytherins. I, for one, do not believe that your House defines your personality. However, that little discussion I overheard prompts the question: What is 'good' and 'bad'? Why are the Death Eaters bad?"

The class was silent. Lily exchanged a glance with Emmeline, who was next to her. What was Professor Chandler playing at?

"Well," a boy from the front of the room spoke up, "they kill people."

"Yeah," said another. "They killed my uncle!"

"They killed my cousin!"

"My mother!"

"I HATE them!"

At that comment, Professor Chandler held up her hand.

"I don't mean to say that you are wrong," she said to the girl, "but I would now like to ask the whole class to examine this with as unbiased a view as possible. Yes the Death Eaters kill people, but so don't we. Why are we any different from them?"

"It's war!" cried a student.

"That doesn't make it right," said Emmeline. "They're mothers and fathers. They have families, people who love them, just like we do."

"Then why are they evil?" asked Professor Chandler. Dorcas spoke up, surprisingly.

"They're not. No one is evil, except maybe Voldemort, because I don't believe he's human anymore. Those Death Eaters, they're simply doing what they believe is right. They don't feel that Muggle borns are worth anything. Me? I say a human's a human. But they obviously don't agree. So what? That doesn't make them evil. It make them different."

Professor Chandler kept the discussion going. "Then why do we fight?"

The class stared at one another.

"Think about it. For homework, you will all write an essay." Professor Chandler walked up to the board and picked up a piece of chalk. On the board she wrote:

Why do we fight wars?

Who fights wars? Will you participate in this war? How?

Could you kill someone in battle?

Where do we draw the line?

Are Death Eaters evil? Why?

"Consider these topics carefully. I will not set a limit on the length of this essay, but any essays that are not written thoughtfully will not receive a grade. For the rest of this class period, please read chapter three in your textbooks on dueling. We may begin dueling after break. I know it seems far off, but you'll want to begin studying now."

They were silent for the rest of class.

That evening, Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room attempting to write her essay. She groaned and threw her quill down in frustration.

"Easy Lily," teased Alice. "You're writing an essay on _your own views._ It can't be _that_ hard." Lily dropped her head to the table where it landed with a _thunk._

"Ow," she said tiredly. "My brain hurts."

"You're over thinking it," said Emmeline. "It's not that complicated."

Lily just shook her head.

"It is for me." There was a pause. Lily stood up and gathered her things. "I'll see you guys later."

"Where are you going?" asked Dorcas.

"Back to my common room," answered Lily.

"Please don't go," said Alice. "We're sorry if we offended you." Emmeline nodded her agreement. Lily just smiled.

"I know, but I really need to get this done, and my common room is quieter."

"Ok," said Alice, "if you're sure…"

"I'm sure. I'll see you guys at breakfast tomorrow."

Lily walked out through the portrait hole and began to make her way up to the Head's common room. As she walked through the quiet corridors, she let her mind wander. Thinking of nothing in particular, she gave the password and clambered into her common room. She put her books on her desk and sighed happily.

"Relief." Just then, she heard a door open and James came into the common room. Upon seeing her he stopped short. As Lily sat up straight and stiff, she saw him swallow hastily.

"Hey Lily." She looked at him.

"Hi," she replied softly. There was a lengthy pause.

"What…what are you writing?" he stuttered. She frowned slightly.

"My DADA essay," she said. "I came in here so I could focus better. I'm not doing to well on it."

"Oh. I finished mine."

"I'm sure you did," said Lily in a slightly acidic tone.

"I didn't mean it that way…" James trailed off. "I'll just let you work, see you later." He walked swiftly across the common room and out the portrait hole and Lily was alone. Unconciously, she sagged in her seat as she bent forward to write.

&

Three days later, Lily waited eagerly for Defence class. Professor Chandler had told the class that she had graded the essays and there would be a class discussion that day. As Lily walked into Defence with Emmeline, she noticed James watching her. She decided to ignore it and went to sit down by Alice. Emmeline sat behind her. The staring continued. After a moment, Lily slowly turned her head until her eyes met James'. She gave him a perplexed look. Abruptly, he turned away.

"Good afternoon class," said Professor Chandler. A few people said good afternoon back. Professor Chandler walked up to the front of the room and placed her bag behind her desk. She bent down to open it and remained half-hidden as she rummaged through the papers. She pulled out a few scrolls and placed them on her desks.

"Overall, the essays were incredible. They showed a real depth of thought and thorough character examination. You should all be proud to have handed me such excellent essays. Many of you mentioned becoming Aurors, but there were also a few healers and whatnot. Your views on some of the other questions were also quite fascinating. However, there is one essay I would like to read, for it truly stood out."

Professor Chandler unrolled a scroll and cleared her throat. She began to read.

"Evil, by definition, is causing pain or injury to others; harmful. Death Eaters are evil. Some will argue that they fight to achieve their aims, but in what ways? They torture innocent civilians. They kill defenseless Muggles. Compassion, the ability to judge the effect of our actions on others, is what makes humans different from animals. Death Eater's lack of compassion takes away _everything_ that makes them human. And so I fight.

I fight against fear, hatred, prejudice, oppression, and violence. I fight to retain my humanity. I fight to preserve my values and traditions, my culture; to preserve justice, knowledge, and compassion, and return to peace. I fight for laughter, smiles, tears freely shed. I fight for sunshine and walks in the park, and all those memories that make us who we are today. I fight to protect my life and the lives of all as we know them. I fight for us.

And I will fight. I had dreams of becoming an Auror, dreams I will realize. I applaud all those who aim to become healers and thinkers, you are needed. Not everyone is an Auror, but everyone will play a part. Healers repair bodily wounds, thinkers provide them the means to do it better, faster. They also provide us with the knowledge necessary to win this war with fewer casualties. Others will provide financial or emotional support. All will fight and we _will_ win. But by what means? At what cost?

I for one will not torture. This is a despicable violation of all values, religious for some, societal for others. Regardless of information that may be attained and crimes that may have been committed, torture is not the answer. In falling prey to this horrific absence of compassion and empathy, we become no better than those we fight, and I for one, will not do it.

Killing should also be avoided at all costs. Death Eaters may be evil, but they have families and friends. They are someone's mother or father, sister or brother, cousin, aunt, or what have you. However, if necessary, I could kill. Not for the sake of taking a life, it is never acceptable to play God with someone's life, but for the sake of saving one. To save a friend or a comrade, I could kill. Not that I would enjoy taking a life, it is simply that I would rather have more people who believe in playing outside on a sunny day, who are touched by children's innocent joy, who still know how to love.

I know that I may be killed in this war. But I won't be hasty. I will learn, for it is knowledge that makes us better people. I will be compassionate, for it is compassion that makes us human. And I will fight for what I _believe._ And when I do, the world will be with me, and I will not be alone. This war is not just for the soldiers, it is for mankind to say once and for all "I choose democracy and justice. I choose knowledge and freedom. But above all, I choose peace."

Professor Chandler finished reading and looked around at the class.

"A beautiful sentiment," she said quietly, "and one that I hope you will all appreciate and consider. Everyone's viewpoint is worth something. And by comparing it to your own, finding where they differ and where they coincide, you will learn, you will grow, and when you leave this castle, you will be _prepared._"

&

That night, Lily sat on her balcony wrapped in a blanket. She looked at the stars. As a little girl, she had always loved the stars. There was just something so hopeful about the way the flashed and glimmered, little winks from the sky. As she stargazed, she thought about her Defence class. Today, Professor Chandler had read an amazing essay. She wondered whose it was. It had really made her think. She felt the enthusiasm and the resolve of the writer, but she wondered if she herself was strong enough to fight. She smiled briefly. Her parents would kill her if they found out, that is, if the Death Eaters didn't kill her first. _Or, _she thought, _kill them first._ She shivered slightly. Decided that she was cold and had had enough stargazing for one night, she picked herself up off her balcony and went to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Another long wait. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!! But here it is, so I hope you enjoy it!

December arrived with a bang. A blizzard on the first of the month caused freezing drafts to blow throughout the castle. It also made the trek to Care of Magical Creatures a long, sordid affair.

"Ew. My feet are soaking wet."

"Yeah, yeah Emmeline, mine are too."

"This is disgusting. How much longer is it?"

"Alice, stop whining. Class hasn't even started yet."

"But, how are we going to stay warm?"

"Honestly," Lily broke in impatiently. "Are you all stupid?" The girls exchanged glances.

"Um, no?" Lily sighed.

"Do warming charms ring any bells?" There was a long pause.

"Oh yeah."

"But what about now?" asked Emmeline. "My feet are still freezing." Lily looked down at her own dry shoes. She rolled her eyes.

"Let me go ahead." The girls obediently stepped aside. Lily began walking again, waving her wand in a complex pattern. At the end of each sequence, ten more feet of dry path would appear ahead of them.

"Wow, that's amazing," said Dorcas.

"No it's not," said Lily, "it's just a simple charm."

"Yeah," said Alice. "A simple charm none of us can do."

"What?" Lily stopped and looked at them. "None of you can do this charm?" They shook their heads. She looked confused. "Then why can I? I'm not even Pureblood."

Alice gave a little smile. "You're powerful Lily. You don't need to be Pureblood for that." Lily just shook her head and kept going. The five of them fell silent for the duration of the walk.

Professor Kettleburn was not an engaging man, but as he led them through the woods, Lily couldn't help but be fascinated by the beauty. The recent snow had left powdery whiteness coating the branches of the trees, and they hung down, looking like the finest white lace. Stopping in the middle of a clearing, Lily tilted her head up towards the sky. A sudden gust of wind cause some snow to blow off the trees. It curled and danced through the air around Lily, and she laughed with delight, slowly spinning around. She ended a turn to find Emmeline smirking at her.

"What?" Emmeline just shook her head.

"Oh, nothing. What do you think we're learning about today?" Lily shrugged.

"No idea. But I guess we'll find out."

Just then, Professor Kettleburn hurried into the clearing. He cleared his throat hurriedly.

"Good morning class. Today we will be looking for Snow Bells. Does anyone know what they are?" The class exchanged glances. Finally, a Ravenclaw put up her hand.

"Well, they're small, fluffy creatures that resemble snowballs and they can only be found after the first snowstorm of the year. They have all sorts of undiscovered magical properties and they're also supposed to be good luck to whoever sees them. But, um…" There was a pause.

"Yes?" prompted Professor Kettleburn.

"They supposed to be mythical, aren't they?" The professor smiled.

"Very good, ten points to Ravenclaw." He turned to address the class. "Yes to all of the above, except the myth. Snow Bells may or may not be good luck. But either way, they do exist. Snow Bells also resemble snowballs, but don't be fooled: They have a habit of taking to one person whom they will guard jealously. Upsetting them is unwise. And do be careful what you pick up and throw." The class looked confused. "Go. Try to find some. They are usually in and around this area. If someone finds one, please let me know and we will all go over _quietly_ and observe. If we do not see one, your essay and drawing tonight will be based purely upon your readings." The class groaned, but went off as they were instructed.

"Snow Bells," mused Alice. "Do you think we'll have better luck together or apart?" Emmeline and Dorcas looked at one another.

"I don't care," said Emmeline. "I'm not going alone in here." Dorcas nodded an affirmative and they walked off.

"Lily?" asked Alice. Lily snapped back to attention. She had been staring around at the winder wonderland.

"Oh, um, I actually think we'll do better individually, but don't get too far away, just in case."

"Ok," said Alice. "I'll go this way." She gestured to her right. Lily nodded vaguely.

"I'll just…walk around." Alice gave her a strange look, but headed off with a, "suit yourself."

Lily stood alone in the silent clearing. She rotated slowly on the spot, looking around. Just then, a beam of sunlight fell from the sky, illuminating a small pathway. Lily hurried to the opening and pushed aside a branch that was blocking the way. She slowly followed the path further into the Forest. A few minutes into her journey, she heard a soft fluttering noise. She stopped and tilted her head slightly. The noise came again. To the right. Lily stepped off the path and came upon a small ravine in the snow. In it, a tiny, white bird lay struggling. Lily slowly knelt down in the snow.

"Hey," she said softly. "Are you ok?" The bird just looked at her. But it stopped struggling. It gave a pitiful chirp.

"Did you hurt yourself?" Lily looked at it. "Can I see?" Slowly, slowly, she reached out towards the bird. Carefully, she picked it up. It lay trembling and warm in her glove. She gently stroked the downy feathers with one fingertip.

"What happened to you?" she whispered. A small pearl of bright red blood rolled slowly down one wing and onto the snow where it lay on the icy crust. In horror Lily looked at her hand. The bird's blood was slowly staining her glove a crimson red. Lily felt sick. The bird gave one last twitch and lay still. Lily felt her breath coming in short, quick gasps. The bird had just, just _died_…in her hand. She carefully picked up the still-warm body and laid it on the snow. Taking off her glove, she slid the body into it. Sadly, she scooped out a hole in the snowbank. She laid the body inside, wrapped in her glove, and covered it with snow. She closed her eyes and winged a prayer for the little white bird. Then, she slowly stood up.

She looked for the path and realized it had vanished. She took a deep breath, hoping to quell her rising sense of panic. It worked, but only a little. She slowly started walking again, wand in hand. The sun was still shining, but the forest canopy was becoming denser, and now the sunlight merely dappled the ground here and there. Just then, something flashed in the corner of her vision. Turning, Lily saw a puff of snow rise up. Re-tucking her scarf into her cloak, she headed towards the settling snowflakes. Just then, there was another flash further in front of her. Lily paused, confused. She walked up to the location of the first flash and crouched down. One of her knees gave a soft crack as she leaned forward to examine the area. She saw a small divet in the snow. It was grooved, like something hairy or spiny had disturbed the drift. She stood slowly and headed towards the next flash.

Just as she came upon the location of the second flash, there was a third flash further up. Lily stopped short and looked around. The morning sun was still shining brightly, and the snow glimmered in the patches of sunlight. Nothing seemed out of place. However, to be safe, Lily drew her wand and followed the third flash. Then a fourth, fifth, sixth; the flashes kept coming. She looked around nervously as she walked, but the flashed seemed to be leading her out, not in. As she walked on, the dapples of sunlight were becoming larger, and gaps began appearing in the trees. Finally, she walked around an enormous old oak to come upon a clearing. She gasped in surprise. It was beautiful. On the far side of the clearing, the ice-covered lake glistened into the distance. On either side, huge trees bent under the weight of sparkling snow piled on their branches. Snow covered the ground of the clearing, still pristine, undisturbed. Smiling slightly, Lily stepped into the clearing. A soft breeze blew some snow off the branches and it whirled and sparkled around her. Lily laughed in delight. As she laughed, the snow seemed to dance ever more gaily. Soon, she was spinning around in the midst of a silvery white vortex. In the distance, she could hear a noise that sounded like so many tinkling bells, laughing with her.

While she was spinning, a small white blob seemed to detach itself from the vortex. It floated closer and closer. As it neared her face, Lily could make out two black eyes.

"Snow bells," she breathed.

The black eyes twinkled at her. Slowly, slowly, it drifted closer. It came nearer and nearer, until it touched her face. Instead of the warm furry nudge Lily had been expecting, ice shot from her forehead and raced through her limbs. Paralyzed with ice and fear, Lily felt her heart race. Blood careened in her veins. Lily felt her magic almost singing. The power grew and grew until it hurt. Her eyes squeezed shut, two tears sliding down her cheek. As the tear tracks froze on her cheeks, the power grew. The pain built and built into a crescendo of racing blood and pumping hearts. Bells rung wildly and Lily's head spun. Her eyes flew open unwillingly, and Lily saw that she was almost glowing. She lifted her right hand in awe, staring at she pearly sheen on her skin. Just then, the pain began receding from her limbs. Beginning in her fingertips and toes, it slowly ebbed away towards her heart. As the ball of pain and terror coalesced in her heart, Lily couldn't breathe. Just then, a red glow rose up from her chest. Lily watched with wide eyes as it traveled down her arm. Her arm straightened of its own accord, palm up, fingers stretching, reaching. The ball stretched into a vivid red line that bent and twisted. As it formed a lightning bolt, it began to settle into her wrist and fade. The Snow Drop moved away from her forehead to settle squarely in front of her face. _Salvaeri_, she heard in her mind. Head still reeling, Lily whispered the word.

"Salvaeri."

A bolt of white-hot light shot from her extended hand. A white bird twittered and flew away, across the lake. Eyes wide, Lily saw spots gathering at the edges of her vision. Then everything went black.

*&*

"Lily!" The voice sounded worried. It was a man's voice, deep and resonant. Lily wondered vaguely why someone was calling her name. She moaned softly, black was everywhere. Footsteps crunched in the snow. Then she heard her name again.

"Lily!"

She didn't move. The footsteps came closer and paused.

"Lily!" This time the voice sounded panicked. The person rushed closer and Lily felt a presence kneel down beside her. "Lily," it whispered. She felt a hand on her neck. She tensed, afraid. "Are you awake? Are you ok? What happened?" the voice asked.

"Gideon?" she whispered. There was silence. Her eyes flew open. More black. Lily's overextended brain couldn't comprehend. She blinked a few times. Open, shut, open, shut. Black. Lifting a hand, Lily touched her eyelids to make sure they were closed. She felt her eyelashes brush her finger as her eyes opened. Black. Darkness. "Your eyes…" the voice whispered. Then she understood.

"I can't see," she croaked. Her voice raped painfully in her throat. She swallowed and winced. It felt like strep. "I can't see." Her nose ran and she felt a tissue press into her hand. "You're freezing." She blew her nose and tucked the tissue into her pocket. Her hands were engulfed by larger, warm ones. She shivered violently, aware now of just how cold and wet she was. Then she remembered. She pulled her hands away.

"Gideon?" She asked again. The voice didn't answer. It wasn't Gideon anyway, she knew. His voice didn't sound like that. She tried a new name.

"James?" No answer. Then the voice spoke.

"Come on, let's get you up to the castle. You're freezing." Lily resisted.

"No, how do I know you won't take me somewhere else, I can't see anything, I wouldn't know." Her voice rasped through the silence with a surprising amount of bitterness. Lily bit her lip, tears welling up. She blinked, and felt a warm tear track its way down her cheek. There was a crunch as the person stepped closer. Suddenly, she was engulfed in a warm hug. Her stomach dropped and even her scalp tingled. The person was clearly taller than she was, as she could feel heat radiating even on top of her head. At first, she relaxed into the warmth; she was so cold…She pulled away.

"I need to go."

"Come on."

"No, how do I know-"

"Trust me." The voice cut her off. Lily stood in the cold snow, the tingling feeling still faintly in her stomach. And she did, she realized with a wrench. She trusted the voice. Laughing to herself quietly, she reflected on how crazy she sounded: "I trusted the voice." But she did. So she let the warm hand take her small, cold one once more and lead her slowly out of the forest.

In the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey the new, young nurse fussed and tutted.

"Oh you poor dear, hold on one moment, let me get you some dry clothes."

Now in warm, dry pajamas and sitting up in a comfortable bed, Lily slowly recounted her tale, omitting the part with Salvaeri. She felt a little guilty as Madam Pomfrey asked her one last time if that was all, but it seemed better to keep that particular bit of information quiet. She could feel Professor Dumbledore's eyes boring into her face-he had been summoned to hear her story-as she stared sightlessly down at her lap, where her fingers were entwined nervously.

"Is there anything else?" He asked. She shook her head.

"You are, of course, certain that there is nothing further you wish to tell me?" She paused.

"Actually," she said quickly before she could lose her nerve, "who brought me here? I didn't get their name to thank them."

"Ah." There was silence. Lily waited.

"This particular young man does not wish to have his name revealed. He assures me he just wants to see you get better, and is not looking for thanks."

"But…" Lily trailed off.

"If he does not want his name revealed," Dumbledore said, "than you have done everything you can regarding the matter. He does not wish to be thanked, thus you have no need to thank him."

Lily nodded.

"I will send your friends down to bring you up to your room. I will also send along a Dictation Device and a Magical Guide for your temporary use until you can see well enough."

"Thanks Professor."

"You are quite welcome Miss Evans. Have a good day." She heard him get up slowly from the chair and walk to the door. It shut with a quiet thunk and there was silence.

*&*

"Lily!"

"Are you ok?"

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"You just disappeared and then-"

"We couldn't find you. We tried though."

A warm hand slipped into Lily's.

"We were so worried," Alice said in a tiny voice. Lily's eyes watered as she held her arms out. Alice pulled her into a hug. Someone else added on and shortly thereafter, the Gryffindor girls stood in a tangled mass in the hospital wing.

Later that night when Lily was safely in bed in the Gryffindor girls' dorms, the other girls clustered around. After the chatter died down, Lily discerned that Alice was sitting on the bed next to her with Emmeline on her other side. Dorcas was sitting on the floor with Mary.

"So," ventured Dorcas. "What happened?"

Lily sighed.

"I went down a small path to look for the Snow Bells. I don't know why, it just felt like that was where I should go. After a few minutes on the path, I heard this rustling noise. I, I stopped to look, because whatever it was, I didn't want it to come after me or anything." Lily gave a short laugh. "It turned out to be a bird. A little white bird." She paused, seeing the poor twisted figure clearly in her mind's eye. "I wanted to help it, so I picked it up. It was…bleeding. It was sort of staining my glove…and then it died. I wrapped it, in my glove, and buried it in the snow. Then there was nothing else I could do, so I kept going. I walked until I came into a clearing by the lake. No one had been there yet, and it was beautiful. The snow was sparkling and everything. The wind picked up some of the snow and started tossing it around. I was laughing, when a small white creature came out of the vortex of snow."

"Snow bells," Emmeline breathed. Lily nodded.

"It touched my face and suddenly, it was like I was dying. My heart started pumping really fast, it was pounding so hard it hurt." Lily touched her chest, remembering. "I didn't know what to do. My vision started flashing, but I couldn't move. I saw this glowing red ball travel down my arm and settle…quick! Look at my wrist," Lily demanded. "Is there something on it?" She felt Alice take her arm. Her arm was twisted one way, then another.

"Stop," said Mary's voice. "Right there." A cool finger slowly traced the jagged line. "Like a lightning bolt…" There was dead silence. "But you can barely see it. Most people wouldn't notice it." The silence continued. Lily swallowed hard. She could hear her heart beating.

"Anyway," she said. "I heard this twinkling noise, sort of. I don't know how else to describe it. But I heard the noise say something in my head. It said this word, and then 'our gift to you.'"

Lily's sightless eyes swept around the room, perplexed. "Our gift to you. What does that mean?"

She heard a rustling noise, followed by a throat clearing.

"Right," the voice said hurredly. "Er, we don't know. What was the word?"

The room fell silent for so long, it seemed like an eternity. Into the black void of silence, Lily whispered the word. "_Salvaeri._" There was a rustling. The shades rattled, the window creaked. Then silence once more. Lily felt Alice shiver next to her.

"It felt," she whispered. "It felt like my magic was being pulled into my blood stream and racing around. I saw a white bird fly away across the lake. Then everything went black."

The girls sat in silence again. Then Lily felt Alice lean her head onto Lily's shoulder. Emmeline pulled the two of them into a hug. The bed creaked as Dorcas and Mary got on and joined the huddle. And for the second time that day, the Griffindor girls sat huddled in silence.

*&*

Lily's parents were notified, and immediately, Lily was bombarded with letters asking question after question. Was she ok? Did she want to come home? And others of the sort.

"It's making me rather crazy," said Lily one day. "I understand that they're worried, but this is ridiculous." She grabbed the paper from Alice's hand and shook the third ten-page letter she had received that week. "It's like my parents have gotten in league with McGonagall to give me as much homework as possible!"

There was a snicker from beside her.

"Oh hush," said Lily with a mock glare. "You wouldn't like it either if your parents started fussing."

"Lily," Alice reminded. "They're only concerned."

"I know," Lily groaned. "But couldn't they show their concern some other way than sending me letters that I can't read anyway?"

As it was a week later, Lily had begun to see bright colors, light and dark contrast, and blurry outlines. She had started trying to write her own papers, although she suspected that Professor McGonagall had been strongly hinting that she switch back to the Dictation Device on her last paper. Though she could write without running off the page, her handwriting was apparently not very legible.

Alice snickered. "Why don't you practice for McGonagall and write them a letter?" she asked innocently. Lily flushed.

"Shut up. She didn't _actually_ say anything."

Alice laughed, and imitated McGonagall.

"Miss Evans, here is your latest paper. You may ask Miss Stockwell to read the comments." Alice cleared her throat with a very McGonagall-like cough, then switched to a 'Lily-voice'.

"Yes Professor?"

"Miss Evans, I was wondering if you had…lost your dictation device?"

"Er, no Professor."

"Ah, yes, well then."

"That proves nothing," Lily insisted, flushing.

"Yes, well I'm sure the numerous red comments on your paper were enough to clear up any misconceptions."

And Lily had to agree that she did, in fact have a point.

*&*

Within another week, Lily could see well enough to write her own papers, so she handed back the dictation device. As she rode down the spiral staircase from Dumbledore's office, she allowed herself a small smile. She could see again, mostly. But either way, vacation was fast approaching. As much as Lily enjoyed her schooling, she did admit that she was looking forward to seeing her parents again.

She stepped off the moving staircase and almost ran into James Potter.

"I am so sorry!" she exclaimed. "I wasn't looking where I was going at all. Are you all right?"

"Fine," he said curtly. "And you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. What are you…"

But he was gone, the gargoyle door sliding shut with an echoing scrape.

Slightly hurt, Lily stood for a moment in the corridor. Ever since she had started dating Gideon, James had been noticeably cool with her. It was almost like the beginning of the year when he had hated her. Although she wondered sometimes if she hadn't been privy to his moment of weakness, would he even speak to her? Was he only speaking to her out of some feeling of guilt or a desire not to have his secret revealed? She shook her head. Whatever his motives, James was no concern of hers; she had Gideon.

Additionally, they had a lunch date. She headed towards the kitchens, smiling. Gideon really was the perfect gentleman. He made her laugh, a bought her roses, he had been enormously helpful when she couldn't see. And because she still didn't see well at night, he had been generous enough to move their weekly dinners to Friday afternoons rather than evenings, though she was sure that the new time significantly complicated his schedule.

Turning the corner to the kitchens, she saw Gideon standing outside the portrait. She walked a little faster.

"Hi!" she said, smiling up at him.

"Hi yourself," he replied, grinning down at her. He moved his hand to cup her cheek. Gently, he bent down to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around his back and kissed him. It lasted for a moment or two, then he pulled away.

"How are your eyes?" he asked.

Lily rolled the startlingly green orbs for effect. "Fine," she said impishly.

He smiled. "Good. But seriously."

"Well, I can't see very well at night, but other than that, I'm fine. However, right now I'm rather nearsighted. If my sight doesn't come back after break, I will most likely have to wear glasses."

Gideon looked at her. He pictured her in glasses. "I can live with that," he said, smiling. "In fact, I;m sure you'll look even more beautiful in glasses."

Touched, Lily reached up to kiss him again. This one lasted a little longer. Finally, they broke apart.

"After you," Gideon swept his arm towards the portrait.

"Aren't you quite the gentleman," Lily teased. "But aren't you supposed to open the door first?"

Gideon mock glared at her. Then, he took a step forward. Lily raised an eyebrow. He pounced.

"Stop, stop, stop! You win…just stop tickling me!"

Gideon laughed. "Ok, but who's the best?"

Lily took a step back. "Me." She grinned and dove through the now open portrait hole. Gideon followed her, laughing all the way.

*&*

In Dumbledore's office, James Potter stood staring out the window at the snowy grounds. He could see students having snowball fights. Some older kids were bewitching snowballs to follow people around. James remembered when he would have thought that was funny. He didn't now. It just seemed stupid.

"James," Dumbledore's voice came from behind him. "Have a seat, won't you?" James turned around and walked to wards Dumbledore's desk. There was now a squishy armchair facing the headmaster's desk. He sat down.

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked.

James shook his head. "No thank you," he replied curtly. Dumbledore sighed.

"I shall not waste your time. As you know, the man who calls himself Lord Voldemort is gaining power. New supporters are constantly joining him, and more people die every day. As the situation is such, I would like for you to remain at Hogwarts over the Christmas break."

James nodded silently. He had always, always gone home for break. The idea of staying at school had repulsed him. Unfortunately, there was now no home to return to.

"Mr. Black will be staying also; I have already spoken to him." Dumbledore paused, his blue eyes surveying James carefully.

"I would not ask this if I did not think it was important."

James nodded once. "I know."

"You will, of course, be sleeping in the Gryffindor dorms. I believe Mr. Black has already…completed the arrangement."

There was another long pause.

"If there is anything you wish to talk about, please do not hesitate to find me." James nodded yet again and stood up. "May I go?"

Dumbledore looked at him sadly.

"Just remember that it is all right to grieve. No one will think less of you for thinking about people you have lost. Just do not bottle it up. You will find, I am sure, that it is quite unproductive."

But the last part of the sentence was lost as the office door closed behind James. Dumbledore heard the gargoyle grind shut and echo into silence once more.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N So my friend is harassing me, which is doing great things for my productivity, as you can see! Here is my next chapter, which I hope you all enjoy. Reviews are always appreciated. And jenl314, I definitely took your advice into consideration, although I had to change it a tiny bit! Thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed so far, and here's chapter six.

Chapter 6

James Potter was brooding. The day before the holidays had been quite depressing for him, though the Marauders had done their best to keep his spirits up. Eventually, though, he had retreated to the Head's Dormitory in order to avoid Remus' pitying looks and Sirius' renditions of Jingle Bell Rock. He really didn't think he'd ever be able to enjoy the song again. Unfortunately, the Head's Dorms offered no respite as Lily Evans was packing for the holidays. Her door had been closed when he walked in, though he could hear the muffled sound of Christmas Carols playing in her room. He stood outside her door for a moment, trying to think of something to say. With a soft groan, he rested his forehead against the heavy wood. Lily Evans was driving him crazy. He was being mean to her, and he knew it. It was just that every time he got close to her, he couldn't focus. It was unnerving and quite unsettling: the smooth, suave James Potter with nothing to say. He snorted. Smooth and suave indeed. Nowadays, all he heard was whispers as he walked down the halls. Girls had stopped throwing themselves at his feet. In fact, most people ignored him these days. Even his own friends didn't know what to do with him. He felt sick. He gave a start as he heard Lily's voice begin singing along to the carols.

"I'll be home for Christmas…You can count on me. I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams." The words were like a sucker punch to the gut. The memories of his family overwhelmed him. He could feel his face twisting in agony. Just then the door opened. He almost fell, as he had been using the door for support.

"James?" Lily's voice was confused and more than a little curious. "What are you doing?"

He looked up at her quickly and heard her breath catch.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said angrily. "Leave me alone."

Her face closed, and he instantly regretted the remark. _Stupid stupid stupid._ Then she frowned, her eyes looked at him challengingly.

"Well I'm sorry, but if you recall, _you _were leaning on _my _door." She shook her head. "I know your parents died James, but I can't understand why you insist on taking it out on everyone else. I can't begin to imagine how horrible it must be for you, but people are trying to _help _you. You have to let them. Remus, Sirius, and Peter are beside themselves. They all worry, but you blow them off because your pride won't let you accept help. I try to help and how do you reward me? By being rude to me and nasty to Gideon! He hasn't done anything to you."

"Lily," James broke in. "He's not right for you! He's not…"

"He's not what?" Lily was truly furious now. " He's not you? He's not right for me but you are?" She had stepped closer and was now poking him in the chest. He couldn't breathe. Her green eyes were sparkling with fury, pinning him to the spot.

"_You're _right for me," she repeated again with a small humorless laugh. "You mope about day after day and act all depressed and bitter. Now you're probably going to go mope some more and blame it all on me. You go right ahead; see if I care. Someone needs to show you how ridiculous you're being. I'm sure your parents would have _loved _to see you like this. Stop acting like a victim and _do something_."

James was angry now too. Blood pounded in his ears, making a rushing noise.

"Don't _ever_ speak to me about my parents. You can't possibly know what they would have wanted."

He sounded angry, Lily noted, but his eyes were so lost that she felt herself softening.

"I know they wouldn't have wanted you to mope and brood and give up all your friendships. It's Christmas James. Go find Sirius and Remus and Peter and _enjoy yourself._ Try it." She laughed ruefully. "You have so much anger over this, but it's time to move on."

James was struck in the heart. He couldn't breathe and his head whirled.

"It's hard."

Lily looked at him and felt her heart break a little. He seemed so young. Though his face was that of a seventeen-year-old, the expression in his hazel eyes was like a little boy looking for direction and the reassurance that everything would be ok. She had always had a compulsion to help people; it was what had drawn her to Snape. But his bitter rejection had made her more cautious. But seeing James stand there, posture so defeated, Lily couldn't help herself. She pulled James into a hug.

At first he was frozen; she could feel his muscles, tense under her hands. She rested her forehead against his chest. The wool of his sweater was rough but warm. After a moment, he slowly began to relax. His arms came up tentatively to hold her in a loose embrace. He sighed and gently rested his head on top of hers. His warmth engulfed her and she could feel it radiating off her scalp. It seemed familiar, she just couldn't place it. After a moment's thought, she pulled back slightly. Instantly, his arms loosened even more. Taking a slight step back, she looked up at him. His hazel eyes looked at her warily. Peering at him confusedly, she spoke.

. "You were the one who helped me by the lake! But why didn't you…" she trailed off. James looked away and flushed red. She could feel the muscles in his back tense beneath her hands. Lily suddenly understood, and her face heated up. But secretly, she was touched that he cared enough to help her, but not make her seem helpless. Taking one hand from his back, she reached up and touched his cheek. He slowly looked back at her.

"Thank you."

He nodded, still radiating heat. They stood there. Suddenly, she reached up and kissed his cheek. Moments later, she pulled out of his embrace and was gone. Paralyzed, James remained staring at the spot she had stood only seconds before. A few moments later, he came out of his stupor. He touched his cheek. It was still burning.

*&*

On the train ride home, Lily locked herself in the Head's Compartment. She didn't want to see anyone. Her friends had been pounding on the door for the past ten minutes, but she wouldn't let them in. Gideon was expecting her to come sit with him, but she just couldn't; she had too much to think about. She turned her head and rested it against the cool glass. Outside, the day was gray, a sure sign of an approaching storm. The wind whipped the trees and snow flew, harshly tossed from the branches. All in all, the weather seemed to mirror Lily's internal turmoil.

Now that she knew that James Potter had been her savior in the Forbidden Forest, she didn't know how to feel. She flushed again remembering the awkward meeting and small kiss, then cursed herself for caring so much. _She had a boyfriend._ But then, why couldn't she forget James? Lily let out a choked noise and laid her head in her hands. James Potter had been so different this year and she _couldn't stop noticing. _Originally, it had been all the brooding. It had confused her, although Lily now knew the reason. She wasn't sure she would ever understand why he had picked her to tell, although she was fairly sure she had simply been in the wrong, or right, place at the time.

But it was more than that. He paid attention in class this year, and his work was brilliant. _He _was brilliant, Lily was forced to admit. She had never worked so hard as she did this year, and if she was honest with herself, it was because he was driving her to new levels. He forced her to be better. Then, there was the whole savior thing. He had found her, at what was possibly her weakest moment, and he had simply helped her. The old James would have made a production out of helping a "damsel in distress." The new James didn't even want his name to be mentioned in connection with the deed. Sure he was snippy, but every time she saw him, she couldn't seem to bring herself to care. She lost her head around him, and it terrified her. Attempting to calm herself, she let images of Gideon flow through her mind. It repressed the fear, but brought out new anxieties and something that felt distinctly like guilt.

"I like Gideon," she whispered to herself. "I _don't_ like James. I _don't._"

And she resolved that from now on she wouldn't. She would control herself and no one would ever have to know. Standing up suddenly, she left to find Gideon, slamming the door rather harder than was strictly necessary.

*&*

Back in the castle, James was still brooding, though he had now moved his pity party to his bedroom. Lying on his side, James stared out the window and watched the snow fall. It twisted and spun, floating gracefully through the inky night sky. Illuminated against the softly lit windows of the castle, it was almost mesmerizing. James lay there and watched, completely engrossed. Which was why a sudden knock on the door caused him to start violently and smack his head on the headboard.

"Ow!"

There was a laugh from outside the door.

"Open the bloody door Prongs. We're alone in the castle and we have things to do!"

"Bloody hell, Padfoot." James flung the door open and looked at his friend in disgust. "And thanks but no thanks. I don't swing that way."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow and burst out laughing.

"Well, Moony will be pleased. He sent me to find you, believing that we would have to do some sort of rescue mission on James Potter's spirits. Fortunately, here you are making jokes, and you haven't even had spirits." Sirius took a step closer and sniffed theatrically. "At least, I hope you haven't had spirits without me. You wouldn't…would you? Abandon your own best friend to go off alone and-"

James rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

Sirius grinned and cuffed him on the shoulder. James punched him back. Wincing dramatically, Sirius headed out the door.

"Come on, we have a long night ahead of us."

They headed out the portrait hole and turned towards Gryffindor tower. The hallway was dim and drafty. In fact, with the absence of the regular traffic, Hogwarts felt entirely deserted. As they walked down the corridor James stared straight ahead, still brooding slightly. _Lighten up._ Lily had essentially told him to lighten up. It was striking, he thought, that the one girl he had always accused of being a stuck-up, swotty prefect was now telling him to have some fun. He shuddered slightly. When had his opinion of his mental state gotten so far off the mark?

"So Jamsie," Sirius' voice broke the silence. "Are you going to grace us with your presence in the tower, or are you going to be a wanker and stay all by yourself in that big, lonely tower? It must be lonely without Lily now…she's gone home for the holidays, right?

James nodded.

"So, what sorts of things do you get up to in that tower? Such a nice, cozy space, perfect

for two people…" James punched him. Shooting Sirius a death glare, he replied, "Nothing, so you can just put your perverted mind off the subject forever. Lily and I have not been doing anything and we never will. I don't like her, remember?"

Sirius shot him a look.

"Honestly? Look me in the eye and honestly say that you do not like her."

"She has a boyfriend anyway. Remember Gideon? Seventh year Ravenclaw?"

Sirius let it go, although he did file away the fact that James had avoided the question. Moony would probably go all professor-ish and analyse it. Sirius just wanted to remember that fact to give James hell about it later. Because, in truth, he had not noticed that Lily and Gideon were dating. But James had. He laughed to himself. _Poor wanker_.

Back in the tower, Remus and Peter were each lying on their own beds when Sirius burst in, followed by James.

"Look who I found, moping about in his cold, lonely tower. May I introduce you to…James Potter!"

Remus laughed and held out his hand.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Remus."

James glared. Peter looked confused.

"Wait, don't we know him. Why are we…what's going on?"

Sirius shook his head. And James allowed a smile to flit over his face.

"Some things never change, eh Petey?" he said, making an effort to be social. This was harder than he had originally thought. In fact, he wanted nothing more than to be back in his tower alone. But thoughts of the tower meant thoughts of Lily. And thoughts of Lily meant remembering what she had said to him. And remembering that, he resolved to make an effort. If not for himself that at least for…well…for his parents, he decided. Lily didn't need him and he certainly didn't need her. _He was James Potter._ He smirked as a shadow of his former arrogance crept back into his mind. He heard Remus and Sirius discussing a new prank. Instantly, his mind was teeming with ideas. James Potter was back.

"I've an idea," he broke in. Sirius and Remus stared at him.

"What?"

"Well," began Remus, "it's just that…"

"What he's trying to say," Sirius broke in impatiently, "Is that you've been a wanker for the past, oh I don't know, five months? It's a little surprising to hear you speak. But please, do continue." He widened his eyes at James, innocently.

"_Anyways,_ I was thinking, that we should spread some Christmas cheer. Some people certainly could use it."

"How so?" asked Remus slowly.

"The other day, I heard Filch being rather shirty with some first years. Poor chap's a regular Scrooge. I think he needs some help to…find his Christmas spirit."

"Who's Scrooge?" asked Peter just as Sirius said, "But not the really alcoholic ones. Can you imagine Filch drunk?" He shuddered. "Horrible, horrible." James glared at him.

"Enough with the spirits. And I'm not explaining Scrooge. Go look it up. What I was _trying _to say is that I think Filch would make a rather dashing Santa Clause, don't you think? And that stupid cat of his looks rather like a reindeer…"

Remus had an evil grin on his face, one that most teachers would be surprised to see gracing his features. He was the quiet one after all.

"Perfect. Let's do it."

Unfortunately, after five attempts, four shouting matches, which deteriorated into three fistfights, two new dents in the walls, and one fall down the stairs, the boys realized that they no longer all fit under the cloak.

"Damn," said Sirius, now sprawled in an armchair. Remus lay on the couch.

"We'll just have to split up. I think that James and Sirius should do this one."

"No, no," said Sirius, "We all need to go. Tradition, you know."

Remus rolled his eyes. "What tradition?"

"The new tradition that starts right now. Satisfied?"

"Oh yes," Remus said dryly. "Eminently."

"How about I go as a dog, Peter goes as a rat, and you and James go under the cloak? We do need your expertise, after all."

"That's actually not a bad plan. Odd. Have you been drinking spirits?"

Sirius glared. "Ha. Ha. Ha, Moony. Very funny."

"_I _thought so."

"Let's go guys," said Peter, apprehensively. He hated fights.

"Rightio," said Sirius, easily distracted. "Roger, wilco and out." He transformed and padded out the portrait hole.

"It's the spirits," Remus whispered, knowing full well that Sirius' dog-ears could hear him. He was rewarded with a huff and the portrait slamming shut. He grinned.

"Shall we," he said, holding out the cloak. James grinned rather maniacally.

"We shall."

*&*

That night, James and company made sure to go down for dinner. As they entered the Great Hall, Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, but his eyes twinkled. The four Marauders headed for spots in the middle of the table, facing the door. As they sat down, James noticed the Christmas decorations. There were enormous Christmas trees decorated in every style imaginable. The candles now floated in enchanted baubles that looked like snowflakes. The ceiling raged and stormed, mimicking the blizzard outside.

On the table were huge turkeys and hams. Vegetables were piled high, alongside large bowls of potatoes and gravy. Everyone was conversing and the Hall rang with laughter. James sat quietly in his seat and soaked it all up. He had noticed people watching him when he had come in, but they were all distracted now. He could hear Professor McGonagall listening to Professor Kettleburn give a long speech about his days observing flobberworms when he was just out of Hogwarts. In fact, when the jingling bells announcing the dinnertime entertainment became noticeable, he could have sworn she looked distinctly relieved. Sirius, meanwhile, was bouncing in his seat. James kicked him under the table. Professor McGonagall glared at them and they smiled back innocently. By now, the jingles were loud enough that everyone was craning their necks to find where the disturbance was coming from. Just then, Finch waddled into the Great Hall in all his finery.

His greasy, matted hair had been turned snow white, making his bald spot more prominent. A large, curly beard sprouted from his face and ended somewhere around his waist. He was clad in a bright red, velvet suit with white, furry cuffs at his wrists and ankles. His boots were black and highly polished. Around his neck sat a shining collar of bells, which rang jauntily as he waddled under his newly added hundred pounds. The recently acquired muffin top bulged out from over his waistband. He was clearly furious, although his mouth had been charmed into a permanent smile. He was attempting to speak and gesturing wildly at his mouth. Everyone at the table was in hysterics now, with the exception of the teachers. However, even they could not entirely conceal their mirth. For every time Filch attempted to bellow some sort of epithet, he would instead sing out a booming holiday greeting. His favorites seemed to be: "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas"; "Fudge and candy canes"; "Sugary snowflakes and snowmen, this is looking like a Merry Christmas"; and "Don't be naughty, be nice like me." He was nearly apoplectic with rage, although the ruddy cheeks only enhanced his jolly look.

The hysterics seemed to be calming down when his cat walked in. She was dyed the color brown and…decorated with Christmas tidings. A red sweater warmed her front half, while a pair of nice, furry reindeer horns sat perched upon her head. Her nose was glowing a cherry red, and her feet resembled hooves more than paws. Her harness was decorated with jingle bells, and behind her she pulled a sled loaded with presents. She pulled the sleigh along the tables, giving packages to students. James and Sirius received the most. And to top it all off, Filch was forced to say "Merry Christmas" while the students unwrapped every item that had ever been confiscated from them.

"Quite admirable of you Argus," said Dumbledore as he removed the speaking spell. "I am, of course, delighted that you have, er, decided to join the festivities…" He trailed off as Filch glared at him. Dumbledore held up a cylindrical object. "Cracker?" Looking slightly mollified, Filch stormed forward, fat jiggling, to retrieve the cracker. He pulled it and it exploded with a puff of purple smoke and a large band. When the smoke cleared, Filch was left holding a jaunty, red Santa hat. His face turned purple. Letting out a choked snarl of rage, she stormed from the room. His cat followed, jingling with every step. As soon as the door slammed behind him, the Hall rang with shouts of laughter. Dumbledore looked with pride at the laughing James and Sirius who were doubled over, eyes streaming. Then he turned to Professor McGonagall.

"Would you pass the potatoes, Minerva? Professor Flitwick has informed me that they are quite delicious. The house elves must have done a little something extra…possibly some garlic?"

Professor McGonagall looked incredulously at the Headmaster. "You're going to let them get away with it?"

"Well," Dumbledore looked around, eyes twinkling. "It was rather amusing, don't you agree?" Her stony look told him exactly what she thought. _In that case_…he changed tactics.

"Alas, poor Argus was in such a state, I'm afraid he never named any of the perpetrators. Therefore, I am afraid that I have no leads to go on and as such, no one to punish. It does appear to be a mystery…" With that, he picked up the potatoes and proceeded to spoon them onto his plate, looking very serene indeed.

*&*

Back in the tower, Sirius fell on the floor, still laughing.

"That was…the best prank…_ever._"

James nodded, smirking as he lay on his bed.

"The look on Filch's face…" he trailed off dreamily. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Well, what else shall we do to commemorate the first evening of the Christmas holiday?"

"I have some idea," said Sirius. Rolling over, he reached up and tapped what appeared to be a bureau with his wand. It opened to reveal hoards of chocolate along with…assorted drinks. Sirius handed around the bottles.

"Cheers."

The boys drank to their heart's content. However, it was Remus who stopped them before anyone could get really drunk.

"It's Christmas tomorrow," he said. Sirius pouted. "Wouldn't you rather not have a hangover on Christmas? Presents and candy, you know." Sirius instantly brightened up.

"Damn right! Presents! Let's go to sleep now, maybe Christmas will come faster."

He vanished his bottle and dove into bed, pulling the covers up over his head. Remus and Peter followed suit.

"You coming?" asked Remus.

"In a minute," replied James. "Where's my wand?"

Remus held it up for James to take. Wordlessly, he watched as James cast silencing charms on his curtains. His eyes narrowed slightly, but James steadfastly avoided looking at him. Remus opened his mouth, but then closed it again. James climbed silently into his bed and pulled the hangings shut, leaving Remus staring worriedly.

*&*

At her house, Lily Evans sat in her bedroom. Her parents had picked her up at the station and driven her home. Petunia had been noticeably absent. When Lily had enquired about her whereabouts, she was informed that Petunia was wedding planning with friends.

"Wedding planning?" Lily had asked. "Who's getting married?"

Her parents exchanged looks.

"Well," began her mother, "Petunia is."

"What?"

"She was supposed to tell you months ago; you're a bridesmaid."

"Vernon?"

There was a pause.

"Yes."

Lily forced a smile.

"Great."

She leaned forward to peer out the window. Outside, she thought she saw someone walking down the street. The snow whipped past the streetlights, causing the shadows to flicker and dance. As the shapes shifted before her eyes, Lily shook her head. Just the snow. She heard the door slam as Petunia arrived home. She sighed. Her parents had been furious when they found out that Petunia had never told Lily about the wedding.

In a sudden movement, Lily stood up out of her chair and went to her closet. In a crate in the corner was her record collection. Pulling out a few disks, she held them close to her face so she could read them. _Stupid snow bells,_ she thought. Sighing, she picked up her favorite collection of Christmas carols. Placing the arm in the groove, she lay back on her rug. She listened to the melodies floating softly through the air and tried to ignore the sounds that were her parents and Petunia fighting. Again.

*&*

On Christmas morning, Lily woke at the crack of dawn. Getting up, she quickly pulled on a thick, fluffy dressing gown. Her feet, already in socks, she shoved into slippers. Then, she crept downstairs. By the first light of dawn, Lily couldn't even make out the dark shape of the tree. Nervously, she felt her way across the room. _Stupid snow bells_, she thought, not for the first time. She curled up in an armchair by the tree and settled in to wait. Four hours later that was how her family found her: sitting in the armchair.

"Merry Christmas," said her mother, coming over to give her a hug. Her dad was right behind. Petunia came down the stairs about five minutes later, after much fussing in the bathroom. She was already dressed, her hair pulled back. Lily rolled her eyes internally. _Honestly._

"Oh good, Petunia, you're here," their mom said. "Why don't you go first?" She handed petunia a small, thin package that turned out to be a necklace. Then it was Lily's turn. She received a thin, gold bracelet, with intricate designs etched into it.

"It's beautiful," Lily said, touched. "Thank you!"

An hour later, Lily had unwrapped not only the bracelet but also a new Charms book from Alice, candy from Mary, and a scrapbook from Dorcas and Emmeline. Dorcas, as the more artistic of the two had taken the photos, while Emmeline had provided the captions. Lily laughed as the flipped through the book. There were many pictures she had forgotten about from Hogsmeade, sleepovers, train rides, and many other random places including one in the Great Hall. Gideon had given Lily a beautiful green scarf. She put it on, smiling with satisfaction when an owl tapped on the window. Lily's dad opened the window, and it flew in. Petunia screamed and jumped up, sending her presents flying. The owl was frightened by the noise and began flying in circles, stirring up wrapping paper. This all caused Petunia to scream more.

"Shut up!" Lily finally yelled. Petunia froze. The wrapping paper floated to the ground, and the bird calmed down. Flying over to Lily, it perched on her leg, glaring reproachfully at Petunia. Lily slowly untied a small box from the owl's leg, after which it promptly took off. On its way out, it cuffed Petunia round the head causing her to shriek indignantly. With a cry of "freak" she gathered up her presents and stormed off to her room.

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Lily," her mother chided. Lily just looked at her. Her mother smirked back. Childishly, Lily stuck her tongue.

"I don't care what you think."

Her mother laughed. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"Eggs?"

"All right. Scrambled eggs it is, then. Daniel, come help me."

After her parents had left, Lily turned her attention to the mysterious package. Untying the rough string, the brown paper began to fall away. Inside was a blue box. Lily searched for a card, but found none. Frowning slightly, she lifted the lid. Nestled in the box was the prettiest necklace she had ever seen. It was a black cord with a pendant attached. The pendant was a small globule of clear glass with a small, colored butterfly preserved inside. The butterfly's wings were beautiful and delicate, and a small tag on the back assured her that the butterfly had not been killed, merely found. Pulling the cord over her head, she tucked the pendant inside her shirt. She wasn't sure why she was hiding it, it just seemed right. Taking a moment to puzzle over the gift, she eventually gave up and headed to her room to put her gifts away.

That night, Lily and her family sat by the fireplace, where a fire was crackling merrily. She had managed to rope not only her parents, but Petunia too into playing cards. As the fire snapped and popped besides her filling the room with heat and light, Lily looked up from her cards and smiled. Comfortable with the Muggle game, Petunia seemed to have ceased hostilities for the night. Her parents were laughing and smiling as they family played cards together. Only after the fire died down to mere embers did they head to bed. It was late, and the sun had well and truly gone down; it was pitch black. Lily grimaced as she stood up from her spot on the rug. She couldn't see very well at all. She waited a moment, hoping her vision would clear, but to no avail. She hugged her parents goodnight and began to follow them towards the stairs. Lily placed her hand on the banister and started up after Petunia; her parents continued into the kitchen. A nightlight flicked on as they walked past.

At the top of the stairs, Lily paused to listen to the wind howling. And…something else. She strained, listening. Nothing. Walking slightly faster, she hurried to her room. She flicked the light on as she changed into her pajamas. Just as she climbed into bed, there was a sharp _crack. _The house shook slightly. From downstairs, Lily heard pops. Very distinctive pops. Pops like…Apparation. Lily froze, mind numb. As she sat on the edge of her bed, she heard raised voices. She just couldn't make out the words…and then she didn't need to. Downstairs, someone was screaming. Lily grabbed her wand and crept out of her bedroom. She met Petunia standing at the top of the stairs. In the dim light, Lily could barely see masked, hooded men standing in the foyer. Her mom, she thought, was on the floor, panting heavily. Her father appeared to be stationary, probably held or petrified. Lily saw Petunia open her mouth to scream.

"Shut up!" she breathed. Petunia paused and looked at her, then opened her mouth wider.

"They'll kill you," said Lily, her face white and completely numb. Seeing the horror on Lily's face, Petunia closed her mouth. They could hear the men taunting their mother.

"Stupid bitch. Stupid Muggle. Not so high and mighty now." There was a thud that sounded like boots meeting flesh.

"Having fun?"

"Get in a closet and lock the door. Hide! Now!" Lily murmured. Petunia pointed a shaking finger at their mom who was screaming again as they tortured her.

Lily shot Petunia a frantic look. She held up her wand, faintly. Looking terrified, Petunia started backing down the hallway. But just then, the screams quieted. A floorboard creaked. The men looked up the stairs.

Lily ducked just in time as a curse shot past her head. It hit the wall behind her, leaving a black, charred hole. Pointing her wand, Lily yelled,

"Petrificus Totalus!" There was an answering yell, and then all hell broke loose.

Curses of all colors were flying everywhere. Over the shouts, Lily could hear her mom screaming again. She ducked around the corner into the hallway. But the wall didn't hold for long. Soon, there were holes everywhere, and men were coming up the stairs. Realizing that she had the advantage of the Death Eaters being pinned in the stairwell, Lily began ducking out into the stairwell and shooting curses. The number dwindled slowly as the two men who weren't fighting her seemed intent on torturing her parents. Her dad was screaming now. Lily ran down the stairs as fast as she dared in the dim light, eyes still seeing spots from the bright spell lights. At the base of the stairs, she began dueling the two Death Eaters. One broke loose and began reviving the others. Her parents were screaming again. Behind her, she heard the Killing curse and someone fell. Her mom's screams stopped.

"No!" she screamed. She whirled and narrowly avoided being hit by a curse herself. Outside, she could hear more people running up her driveway. Her dad was still screaming. Blinded by the lights and smoke and deafened by the screams, Lily neared the breaking point. A spell hit her from behind and she felt her arm break. She snapped.

"Salvaeri!" she shouted. Instantly, a force rose up inside her. The pain and magic entered her bloodstream and began to make their way quickly towards her arm. It was like trying to squeeze an elephant into a mouse hole. She screamed in agony just as the white light burst from her wand. It swelled and grew, blocking her entire vision, until everything was white. Black dots began to swim at the edges of her vision. Panicked, she shot spells thinking the Death Eaters might be coming. But nothing happened. Her magic was drained. Exhausted, Lily collapsed.

When Lily awoke, she was lying on her back on a hard surface. The first things she saw were the stars. They twinkled and glistened in the freezing night. Her breath frosted in front of her face and she sat up, noticing that she was wrapped in a blanket. She turned, to look at the light behind her. It was her house, and it was burning. Standing up, she winced. She was bruised all over, and her arm still throbbed from where it had been broken. Numbly she walked toward the house where a ring of people was standing. She stopped at a distance from them, in the middle of her driveway. Standing alone wrapped in the blanket, she stared at her house. Someone came up behind her and touched her on the shoulder. She turned to see Professor Dumbledore.

"Lily," he said gently, "I am so sorry for your loss." He held up a tin can. "This is a portkey which will take you back to Hogwarts. Go straight to Madam Pomfrey, she will give you assistance. Do you understand?"

Lily nodded dumbly.

"The password is Fawkes." Lily took the tin can.

"Fawkes." There was the familiar pull behind her navel, and the remnants of her house were whisked away in a whirl of color and sound.

She landed heavily and almost fell. A hand grabbed her arm to steady her. She looked around. She was in the Gryffindor common room. And so was James Potter.

"What are you doing here?" he asked curiously. Lily couldn't speak. He looked at her more closely. She could tell that he noted her disheveled appearance, her torn pajamas, the loose rescue blanket wrapped around her shoulders. He lifted his hand and ran a thumb along her hairline. It came away red.

"You're bleeding." She just stared at the fire. It was almost hypnotic. She was so tired. All she wanted…

"What happened?" His voice was sharper now, insistent. More like the old James, she noted distractedly. She wondered vaguely why she couldn't seem to feel anything. Except tired, that is.

"Did Voldemort…?" He trailed off and the question hung between them for the moment it took to register with Lily. She slowly shook her head.

"Death Eaters," she whispered. Her heart hurt. She took a quick, unsteady breath. "My parents," her voice cracked. James took a step forward and pulled her into a hug. He stood there holding her as she gradually lost control. At some point, she remembered being picked up and moved, but she couldn't tell where. Her eyes were too blurry with blindness and tears. Eventually, nestled into his shoulder, she fell asleep.

*&*

James Potter lay on the couch in the Head's Room holding Lily Evans. She was asleep, finally, though it had taken quite some time. He had been down in the Common Room following yet another nightmare when she had come in. At first, he had been confused when she arrived in the room. But he had quickly realized that she was not herself. Death Eaters…his muscles tensed. In her sleep, Lily twitched slightly. James relaxed again, but his heart was burning. He _hated_ the Death Eaters. And he hated them even more for what they had done to Lily Evans, one of the most innocent people he knew. He heard the clock chime three. He sighed. Sleep deprivation was getting him nowhere, and he needed to be at his best to help Lily tomorrow. Succumbing to his exhaustion, he fell asleep.

The scene started as it always did.

_James was standing in a doorway watching. On the couch with their backs to him sat two people. One had messy black hair, the other red. His parents. They were murmuring softly to each other. His mother had her head bowed and appeared to be holding something in her lap. His father sat next to her, head tilted slightly. James couldn't see his face. His mother turned her head, red hair slipping to obscure her face. Reaching up, she kissed his father on the cheek, and then rested her head on his shoulder. He placed his arm around her shoulders and stroked her hair. _

_In the doorway, James cringed and tried to close his eyes; he knew what was coming. But open or closed, he still saw the same scene._

_Blam, there came the sound of a door blowing off its hinges. His parents shot to their feet, facing straight ahead. His father pulled his wand out. Quickly, he turned to face the woman, and in the process, faced James. As he kissed the woman, James felt his face pale. That wasn't his father. The man ran out the doorway in front of the couch, towards the noise. There came a shout._

"_Lily, it's him! Take Harry and run!" Then the sounds of fierce dueling. The woman turned and ran, face filled with terror. Up the stairs. James didn't know where to go. There came the fateful words_

"_Avada Kedavra!" and the sound of a body falling. James turned and ran up the stairs. Had he just died? He didn't know what to think. He heard the sounds of soft crying and frantic shushing coming from a room on his left. He entered to find a nursery. The woman stood framed in the moonlight pouring in from the window. The floor creaked. The woman turned to face the door. Though she was older, it was unmistakably Lily. Her green eyes were filled with terror and a deep loathing. She kissed the forehead of the baby in her arms. Just then a hooded figure appeared in the doorway. James shrank back into his corner._

"_Give me the boy."_

"_Not Harry," Lily half sobbed. "Please not Harry, I'll do anything."_

"_Then step aside. Step aside girl."_

"_No! Not Harry. Please, not Harry!"_

_He pointed his wand. She looked up at him, eyes strangely peaceful._

"_I'll do anything," she said calmly._

"_Avada Kedavra!" She slumped to the ground, still holding the baby. The hooded figure walked closer. He raised his wand and pointed it at the bundle. Before he cast the curse, he looked into the corner. The horrible, red, cat-like eyes were cold and emotionless. He looked straight at James. The corners of his mouth turned up in a feral smile._

"_Avada Kedavra!"_

James woke up with a start, drenched in sweat. It took him a moment to place his surroundings. He was lying on the couch in the Head's Room. What was he doing there? He thought back. He remembered dinner, and drinking, and…oh. Shit. Lily. He looked around in a panic. Where was she? He walked over to her door and knocked softly. No answer. He opened the door. He didn't see anything, so he opened it further. Just a neat room. No Lily.

*&*

Huddled in her closet, Lily heard James curse quietly. The guilt nearly overwhelmed her, held at bay only by the embarrassment. She couldn't believe she had done that. She had cried all over him. He probably thought she was such a baby. He had never cried to her. And then she had woken up next to him and…she froze. He was calling her name and he sounded worried.

_Damn. Damndamndamndamndamn._

She heard him sigh heavily and the door shut. In the closet, Lily pulled her knees to her chest. She rested her forehead on her knees as the tears ran down her face.

A few hours later, Lily had pretty much stopped crying, except for the occasional tear. She leaned her head against the wall of the closet and let her mind wander. The first thing she thought of was James. He had been so kind to her and she had repaid him by acting the coward and running away. She would never be able to look him in the face again. Gideon would probably come to comfort her and…her stomach heaved at the thought. She had been leading him on. She needed to tell him. Another tear slipped down her face. And Petunia would probably…Peuntia! She shot to her feet. Stopping only in the bathroom to wash her face, she ran all the way to Dumbledore's office. Just as the stone door slid closed, she thought she glimpsed James turning into the corridor. She rested her head against the cool wall and the staircase spiraled upwards.

*&*

Later that night, Lily sat on the couch in the Head's Room staring at the fire. She felt numb and drained. Petunia had been taken to Saint Mungo's to be treated for shock. When Lily walked into her room, Petunia had started screaming. She blamed Lily for not saving their parents.

"Petunia," Lily had pleaded. "There was nothing I could do! I tried, you know I tried."

"Not hard enough," Petunia had replied cruelly. "If you weren't a freak, none of this would have happened! You're no sister of mine. _Get out._"

Crying, Lily had run out of the room, only to run into Gideon. He had come as fast as he could, he explained. He opened his arms. She hugged him quickly, and then pulled back. He looked confused. She broke up with him. In less than an hour, she had lost her sister and her boyfriend. She walked around outside Saint Mungo's for a little while, but with no where else to go, she soon returned to Hogwarts.

Her friends had been waiting in Gryffindor tower. They dragged her up to the Girl's Dorms to talk. After assuring Lily that they would always be there for her, they had formed a huddle, tears running down all their faces. In the middle, Lily cried too, though she had been unable to feel anything. Claming exhaustion, she had retreated to the Head's Dorms. Fortunately, James hadn't been there. After staring at the fire for hours on end, she dragged herself to bed. After many hours staring out the window, she finally fell asleep.

*&*

Over the next week, her friends went out of their way to cheer her up. They took her on walks, had sleepovers and study parties. They stayed with her almost every moment of the day. But they couldn't always be there at night. As the students arrived back from break, Lily returned to the Head's Dorms, along with James. He stayed out of her way, for the most part. The most she ever saw of him was when he went in and out in the evenings. She mostly stayed in the dorms, doing homework and sleeping. As she didn't sleep well at night, she found herself doing more and more of it during the day.

One day, in the second week of January, James walked into the Head's Dorms to find Lily asleep on the couch. He looked at her and sighed. The bags under her eyes were so dark they were practically purple. A large stack of homework sat on the table where she had been trying to finish it. She had a quill tucked in her hair, which had mostly fallen out of its bun. She face was too pale and she was too skinny. James felt like he was looking at a shadow of Lily Evans. It disconcerted him.

Unable to help himself, he walked quietly over to the couch. He cast a sleeping charm on Lily. Instantly, her frown smoothed out. He conjured a blanket, which he tucked gently around her shoulders. He pulled the quill out of her hair and began to write. As he finished the last parchment, he cast a spell. He watched as the writing slowly changed to mimic Lily's. There. No one would ever know.

The next morning, he awoke to a pounding on his door. He groaned. He had been up several times during the night with nightmares, and had only just fallen asleep. He rolled out of bed, wearing only his pajama pants. He slouched over to the door and opened it.

"What?"

Lily was staring at him, mouth slightly open. He realized he was only wearing pajama pants.

"Come in," he said, flushing. He grabbed a shirt and pulled it on as he sat down on his bed. Lily walked over to stand in front of him.

"What did you do?" she hissed.

"What did I what?" James ran a hand over his face tiredly.

"What did you do? Why was all my homework done although I _know_ I never finished it and why did I sleep through the night last night?"

James' eyes narrowed.

"You don't sleep through the night?"

"That's not important," Lily waved him off. "I want to know, what did you do?" She looked furious. Exhausted, James felt his hold on his temper waver.

"If you must know, I used a sleeping charm on you and then finished your essays. I used a handwriting charm to mimic yours. Satisfied?"

"Now thanks to you," she spat, "I can't possibly turn that in. I'm _Head Girl_ Potter, I can't condone cheating."

"I'm Head Boy and I wrote those essays."

Lily looked furious. She opened her mouth.

"Lily," he cut her off. "They're good essays. I didn't mess them up for you. But you said it yourself, you don't sleep. You don't let people help you either. If I recall, it was you who told me to stop brooding. Now I'm going to do the same for you. You can waste months of your life brooding like I did, or you can snap out of it now. I suggest the latter, by the way."

"I don't _care_ what you think. Just leave me alone!"

Lily stormed out the door. With an aggravated groan, James flopped back on his bed.

That evening, James sat in the Head's Common Room doing work when Lily came in. She walked over to his chair where she stood nervously. She watched him as he wrote furiously on the parchment. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes narrowed in concentration behind his glasses. His jaw was set and he looked like he needed a shave, as there was slight stubble on his cheeks. Lily felt a swoop in her stomach as he looked up at her that had nothing to do with nerves. She crushed it down and spoke.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for being so nasty to you. I don't know why I was so angry and I, really appreciate what you did for me," she said in a rush. James just looked at her. Finally he sighed.

"I'm sorry for being nasty to you earlier this year."

"So we're even?" Lily asked.

"Friends."

Lily smiled and James grinned back.

"I never thought I'd see the day when I was friends with Lily Evans."

"Except it's going to last this time, yeah?"

"Yeah."

James looked at her eyes, sparkling with happiness and groaned inwardly. Friends. Right.


	7. Chapter 7

On Tuesday, James woke up early, feeling refreshed. He had, for once, slept through the night. It felt good. He rolled over and looked out the window. The snow was no longer pristine. Instead, it had begun to look rather gray and dirty. Footprint trails crisscrossed across the expansive grounds, weaving intricate patterns. Snowdrifts were piled high on the sides of walkways that had been cleared by the teachers and older students. It was snowing again, but not the pretty kind. Instead, the sky was gray. The wind whipped the trees, causing the forbidden forest to shiver ominously. The snow fell in icy pellets, that stung as they made contact with faces and hands. Additionally, it was freezing in the dorm. James groaned. His bed was warm while he lay under the covers, but he knew he would be freezing. He braced himself to get out of bed.

"Three…two…one," he muttered. Just as he prepared to spring, he heard the pipes clang and the water come on. He craned his neck to glare at the bathroom. The red occupied sign flashed mockingly at him. He let his head fall back on the pillows. At least she was up. That was a start. He let his mind wander, with some pain, back to when his own parents had died. He remembered precious few details about the week following their death, he simply remembered a pervading sense of numbness. Gradually, it had become a constant pain, an ache, that he carried everywhere; almost like a headache, really. Only after Lily had practically exploded at him had he begun to change. No, he thought. That was giving himself too little credit. He had been changing, but Lily had been a large part of the impetus. She made him _want_ to change. She made him welcome the changes that had already occurred and learn how to make more. And now he was trying to do the same for her. It was what she deserved.

The shower slowly wound to a halt and James suddenly realized that he couldn't hear water running anymore. A soft bell told him that she had vacated the bathroom. So James hauled himself up and flew across the cold floor into the bathroom to shower. He pulled on jeans and a sweater, along with his robes and went to breakfast feeling almost…hopeful.

Down in the Great Hall, James was shocked to see Lily sitting next to Remus. On Remus' other side sat Sirius. On Lily's other side sat her best friend, Alice. Two of the other roommates, Dorcas and Emmeline sat across from Lily and Alice. James quickened his pace and slid into a seat next to Emmeline. She turned her head to smile at him.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," James replied, looking confused. "Not to be rude or anything, but what are you all doing over here?"

"Well," replied Emmeline, drawing the word out with a smirk.

"No reason," Lily broke in hurriedly, shooting a look at her friend. "I just thought we might sit over here today." She looked a little uncertain, and was refusing to meet his eyes.

"No," James broke it. "It's fine, I mean, you don't have to move." He laughed awkwardly. "I mean, we are friends now." Now it was his turn to be unsure. Lily caught his gaze, finally, looking slightly flushed.

"Yes we are." She grinned slightly. "And this time, it's going to last more that a week or so."

He laughed. "Obviously."

She smirked and went back to her toast. James began pulling everything within reach towards him as he piled his plate. Lily looked vaguely disgusted, but when he shot her a questioning glance, she just shrugged and ducked her head, light flashing off her thick, red hair.

*&*

On Wednesday night, James sat in the Gryffindor common room doing homework. Remus was on one side, Sirius across from them. Sirius was doing his best to be distracting, but James and Remus had had far too much practice in dealing with this sort of thing. Now he simply sat there staring. Finally, James had enough.

"For Merlin's sake, Padfoot. If you don't want to do homework, go do something else. But leave me out of it! I have a ton of shit to do."

Sirius looked sulky. "I'm bored."

There was a pause. "Well seeing as you're Hogwarts number two most desired male, you shouldn't have too much of a problem. Unless you've lost your touch…"

Sirius sprang up. "I have not. I'm just too good for everyone else." James just looked at him. "I can get any girl I want!" Sirius yelled. The females in the common room looked up, irritated. "I mean, _come on_. Who wouldn't want this?" He winked at a fifth year, who blushed crimson. "See?" He grabbed her by the hand and began leading her out of the common room. Suddenly, he swung around.

"And what do you mean I'm Hogwarts _number two _hottie? I'm number one!"

James shook his head, smiling slightly.

"I mean, it's really no competition: me, _Sirius Black, _or the guy who can't even get the girl he's been in love with for seven years to give him a chance. See? No competition." And he whirled again and led the girl out of the common room.

James sat next to Remus at the table, flushed and irritated.

"He's right, you know," said Remus. "Unfortunately, he's probably the number one hottie. But he's a player, so he'll never have what you want."

James looked at him. "That was profound."

Remus shrugged in mock modesty. "What can I say, I'm a genius. And my genius will not be contained…" he trailed off and went back to reading. James rolled his eyes and went back to reading also. But from her armchair across the common room, Lily noticed that the back of his neck was still red. For a moment, she wished she were a fly on the wall, able to hear them. Then, she shook her head. It was probably stupid anyway. But still, in love with her? She laughed to herself. It couldn't be. Sirius must have meant someone else. Neither James, nor she were in love. With anyone. She was sure of it.

*&*

Early Friday morning, James awoke from a particularly fearsome nightmare. Unable to go back to sleep, he went downstairs to the Heads common room. There, he found Lily Evans sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire. She gave a start as he walked into the room.

"James?"

"Hey."

There was a moment of silence in which only the crackling of the fire could be heard.

"Couldn't sleep?"

He shook his head.

"Me neither."

"Bad dream?" he asked. She nodded slightly.

"Me too."

She finally turned to look at him.

"But…"

"It never goes away," he said, sighing. "At least, it hasn't yet. For me."

"Great." She lowered her head to rest on the back of the couch, her eyes still following James as he sat down next to her.

"What was yours about?" she asked. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. Lily noticed that he hadn't shaved in a few days. Stubble looked good on him, she decided. Instantly, she rebuked herself for allowing that line of thought. But now she had begun it, and her only two options were to feel awkward about it, or to continue. She flushed slightly and looked away, praying he didn't notice.

"My parents." He began answering her. "They're at my house with me, and we're just sitting together. It was nice, like it used to be. Suddenly, the scene shifted and they were gone. Voldemort was standing in front of me telling me to beg for their lives. I refused and there was a lot of pain and screaming, mine and theirs. But Lily," he turned to face her. "I refused." His eyes were filled with pain. "How could I do that? How could I not save them?" Lily had no answer. But looking at him, she felt compelled. She couldn't control her actions. He was taking over…who the hell was she kidding? It was Lily's use of profanity in her mind that caused her to turn away from him. Staring in shock, she let the thought run through her mind, unable to stop it. She was already his. She felt his arm come around her, and her head found its way to his shoulder, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. They both sat there, not moving, as the fire flickered in front of them.

*&*

Later that day, during lunch, Lily ran into James in the Heads common room.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him. It was so much easier to pretend, she had found (much to her relief) during the daytime.

"Sleeping," he replied from the couch, without moving to look at her.

"Oh," she said in surprise. "Me too." She walked in and dropped her bag next to the chair. Curling up, she pulled a blanket over herself.

"Wake me up at quarter to one?"

"Kay," he mumbled. Lily had one more thought.

"James?"

"Huh," he muttered.

"We're boring, aren't we?"

His laugh rumbled around the room and she smiled. She had made him laugh. That thought too wiped the smile off her face and she almost missed his answer.

"No we're not," he managed to mumble. "We're just…" The pause was so long she thought he'd fallen asleep. Then he laughed tiredly. "Boring," he finished. "Great."

Lily laughed, and quickly fell asleep.

It turned out that neither one of them was awake at quarter to one. In fact, James was the first to wake up. He lifted his head and stared at his watch.

"Crap."

He looked at Lily. She was still curled up in the armchair. The light from the window was lying along her pale cheek and dancing in her hair. James felt his stomach lurch so strongly he thought he just might be sick. He needed to get over her. He saw her eyes open and sparkle at seeing him.

"Hey James. What time is it?"

"Quarter to five."

"Oh, ok, let's get…Quarter to five!"

"Clearly, neither of us heard the alarm."

Lily still looked horrified. James grinned at her.

"What?" she asked slowly.

"Well, I suggest that some very important Head's business came up."

Lily laughed. "You're horrible."

"Yep," he agreed. "But it'll save us detentions, especially if we go ask for homework like the dedicated students we are."

"Dedicated students?" she laughed.

James looked wounded. "Do you treat everyone with such sarcasm?"

"No," she replied. "Only my friends." Her eyes sparkled with laughter and she looked truly happy, despite missing half a day of classes and preparing to lie to teachers. That was why the word hit James all the harder in the gut. She was the perfect girl, who was his _friend._ It was time for some drastic action, if this friend thing was going to work. It clearly suited her (and thereby suited him), but he _definitely_ needed some way to deal with all this frustration.

*&*

Which was why, on Sunday morning, James decided to take action. Hogsmeade was in two weeks, but he didn't ask for that. No, he needed a girlfriend _now._ And so, during lunch, James entered the Great Hall hand in hand with Rose Anderson. The Hall immediately broke out in whispers, causing everyone who hadn't already noticed to look at the doors. James, trying desperately to look nonchalant, was leading Rose (who was blushing profusely) to the Gryffindor table. He sat down in the Marauders' typical spot, and proceeded to have a quiet lunch while the rumor mill worked on being anything but quiet.

Rose Anderson was not the type of girl James was usually seen with. Of course, as he hadn't been seen with anyone sine the end of last year, his type was now hard to judge. But Rose was…quiet. Smart. A Ravenclaw prefect, she had great grades and a great personality. She was witty, kind to everyone, liked by all. She was also beautiful. Her hair was long and dark, a perfect complement to her brown eyes. Her skin was a creamy peach color and her cheeks were flushed perfectly. She had perfect eyebrows, a perfect smile, a perfect figure, _she_ was perfect; Lily finished her assessment rather bitterly.

She had not been at lunch and so had not heard the news until she had seen Alice in their next class. She had looked at James who was being accosted by his friends. He was sitting next to _her_, blushing. She was blushing too, but not too much to prevent her from speaking to Sirius whose face instantly relaxed. Remus smiled at her and James. Even Peter seemed to be charmed by her. She completed the picture, she fit in perfectly with them. The four boys, and Rose. It was all just perfect.

Lily sat in the corner with her friends. They looked at her, but she assured them that no she did not mind. After all, she and James were just friends. But days later, when she was alone in her dorm, the insecurities that had always dwelled within her broke out. She lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. Just thinking. She had always known that he'd liked her, he had made no secret of that. But he had been such a great prankster, how could she have known that she had been the one thing that was not a joke? _No one_ could have known that, she reassured herself savagely. No one could be expected to be able to tell the difference between the many lies and the one truth. After all, if you cried wolf too many times, pretty soon, no one came.

And so it had been with them. She never took the bait. And now it was too late. A tear made its way from the corner of her eye straight back to her hairline. It was uncomfortable. It tickled. Lily didn't touch it. If he really knew her, as he claimed, he should have known. "He should have known," she said aloud. It hung in the air for a moment, just hovering, in front of her. Then it crumbled and disappeared, as Lily knew that it was not an excuse. She had never given him anything, any shred of hope to go on. And the _stupid promise._ She was crying openly now. She never should have done that. But she had been so tired, and she couldn't lose him, but she hadn't been able to love him either. James was very all or nothing. She had known that. Sirius had even yelled that at her once during fifth year, when she had turned James down yet again. But she had laughed. Of course, that had been a joke too. For no one took the jester seriously.

Now, he wasn't the jester, he was the king. So many people loved him so completely, how could he ever have remained merely the jester? He had pulled himself together and come in to his own so perfectly. He was brilliant. He always had been, but now he used it for the good of all, instead of just the entertainment of a few. He was kind, now to everyone instead of just his friends. And Rose was the queen. She had seen it, all his goodness, had seen him for what he was. And she had taken it. Not, Lily reflected, that she was too badly off either. And now the two of them were Hogwarts royalty, the perfect couple. He treated her like the queen she was. They were not always together, but a small touch of hands in the hallway, a meeting of eyes, a rose at breakfast, some quiet, exclusive dates that everyone knew about but no one could find to crash.

Now as they walked in front of Lily to lunch, she had never felt so out of place. She remembered when it had been her, with the Marauders. It still could have been, but she refused them, unable to stand the prying looks, the pitying looks, Rose.

And so, Lily Evans, felt small. She no longer spoke up in class. She spent more and more time alone, walking. The bags under her eyes tripled in size. Which just served to make Lily more unhappy with her appearance. Which led to more self-doubt, self-loathing. Which just perpetuated the vicious circle. So Lily Evans excused herself one day from class and tore down the hall to the bathroom to cry. Unbeknownst to her, she was being watched. And it was heartbreaking.

*&*

Rose Anderson sighed in defeat as she watched Lily Evans excuse herself from class. Next to her, her boyfriend James Potter barely seemed to notice, so focused was he on the assignment and his girlfriend. But Remus was not good at Transfiguration and Sirius was too good, and neither of them was tied down. As such, both of them noticed. As Rose watched them exchange sad glances, she knew what she had to do.

She excused herself after class to take a walk. Outside by the lake, her thoughts were always clearer. They came, as they always did, first of James. He was so sweet and kind. He wasn't clingy, and didn't need her to be. He was romantic, but not sappy. He was funny and a prankster, but he never took jokes beyond propriety. At least, not anymore. He was perfect, and he was perfect to her. And the idea of letting him go was so painful that Rose couldn't bear it. But she knew. Oh, she knew.

She saw the looks that Lily gave James when she thought no one was looking. She saw the look that James tried desperately to conceal every time he spoke with her. After all, they were just friends. She saw Lily's heartbreak, and James' distraction. He was never rude, and certainly not bored of her, but Rose somehow suspected that he couldn't always keep his mind from Lily, though he tried gallantly. But most of all, Rose saw that though the selfish part of herself that said (rightly so) that she had won James fair and square, and she deserved him. But somehow, she just knew that he wasn't hers to keep. So she gave him up.

She was miserable, he was surprised, astounded. Why? He asked. Why did she want to break up with him? What had he done wrong? Rose could only cry. He wiped her tears away with his thumbs, but more kept coming, wiping away all traces of his attempts as if he had never been there. Go, she told him. Go to Lily. Lily? He asked. What did this have to do with Lily? So she explained. And the look of profound gratitude on his face was so heartbreaking, that she almost started crying again for him and his innocent happiness. And so he left, taking with him his cloud of happiness, leaving Rose to her darkness.

*&*

Back in the Heads Room, Lily was sitting on the couch in her typical position, knees drawn up, arms wrapped tightly around them. Her chin rested lightly on her knees, her eyes were red and puffy. The fireplace was cold and dark, illuminated only by beams of moonlight. James wasn't back yet. Lily noted that fact through her haze of half pain half numbness. She bet he was with _her._ Lily thought the thought, and was instantly ashamed. No more bitterness, she decided. Enough. She stood and walked to the window, looking at the moonlight reflecting off the snow. She heard the portrait hole open. She did not turn.

James opened the portrait hole as quietly as possible, but it still squeaked. He was slightly surprised to see Lily awake. But, he realized, he had not been paying much attention to her since he had had Rose. But no longer. He wondered if she slept at all. The moonlight was coming in the large window, giving Lily's outline a haloed effect. He watched her shoulders move slightly. Rise fall. Rise. Fall. Rise…hitch. Fall. He started, confused. He moved towards her in the moonlight. She turned to face him.

His face was looking at her, eyes deep and probing. They were no longer hazel, but silver like the moon. His stubble was more pronounced, and Lily felt her stomach flip. His lips were thin, his nose slightly too long. But those were only the sorts of things you noticed close up, Lily noted distractedly as he moved closer.

She was right there, the spaghetti straps of her pajama top revealing so much, yet so little. Her top rose up as she straightened her posture, revealing a small strip of pale white skin. His eyes rose back to her face. She wasn't moving. She didn't look like she was breathing. He hair was wild, an untamed halo around her head. Her eyes were puffy. She was beautiful. He reached a hand out.

His hand came in contact with her hair. He played with a few loose tendrils, tugging lightly at her scalp. Her stomach felt as if it might explode. Her scalp tingled where he touched it. The tingling spread through her whole body was she stepped closer this time. A trade off. She looked up.

Her face was right there, green eyes confused and dim, yet eerily clear. This had already been choreographed, he thought, as he reached for her. His hand connected with her back and he couldn't think anymore.

His hand was on her back. She had never felt like this before. She had almost seen a flash of light when he touched her. Like a blow, like lightning. Her head reeled. She couldn't think. She stretched up, eyes closing.

Suddenly, they were kissing. At first it was calm, almost serene. Lily didn't move and James couldn't. It was like seeing sunlight for the first time. Really and truly opening ones eyes. But it was overwhelming. And this had already happened, somewhere, sometime, another life. And so they were kissing more fiercely. It was need so acute to the point of pain. It hurt, but it would have hurt more to stop. James' hand was on her back, it had found skin. Her back tingled so hard she felt as though she were being branded. Her legs were numb, they didn't work anymore. She fell into him for support. Her hands were tangled, one in his hair, one on his back. Pulling him closer. But there was no closer. It hurt. She couldn't breathe. He felt, but too much. He couldn't tell where he was anymore. Where anything was. Except her.

Breathing was ragged, clearly not a necessity. An interruption maybe. His shirt was on the floor. Her shirt had ridden up so high it barely existed anymore. The moonlight flowed steadily in through the window. Then they fell. But even that was hardly an interruption as she landed on top of him. She lifted her head to ask a question, but he was kissing her neck, and suddenly, she didn't have a question anymore. She slammed her mouth down to his, sealing it, along with whatever noise he may have made. But the need for air became demanding. Making itself more than just an interruption. Spots danced before her eyes, though she couldn't tell if it was from lack of air or not. James was panting, breathing ragged, chest rising and falling forcefully, heart pounding. Lily took her palm and slowly traced the planes of his face, enjoying they way his heart skipped against her own. Two beats, similar only in their dissimilarity. Two pairs of lips, bruised and rubbed raw. Two bodies tangled, almost but not quite one.

James kissed her again, but this was not an argument, a fight, two gladiators doing battle, thinking only of exerting themselves, of winning. This was controlled and beautiful. Their lips danced. Lily could feel her heart pounding in her ears. The he broke it. She shifted in his arms as he moved his hands to cup her face. She almost cried, it was so simple, yet the most romantic thing she had ever felt. He just looked at her, and Lily felt so safe and protected, so loved and _owned._

"Mine" he whispered, and Lily could say nothing. Her throat was raw, it felt like it would explode.

"I love you," she whispered. And he looked so happy, that she knew it was right, though it almost hurt to say it. It was bitter and ugly, a memory of her last love, lost.

He kissed her, driving the feelings back.

"I love you too." But no, he had not been driving them back. He kissed her again and the bitterness spilled out her eyes as she cried, her lips as she kissed him and her ears as she heard it again and again.

"I love you."

And it was pure. She bent her neck to kiss him one last time. It was simple and chaste. She rested her head on his chest and he locked his arms around her. Slowly, their heartbeats slowed, and became one. The sun rose, and they slept.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N So, my friend pointed out that I made it seem like they slept together. Which they did, sort of, but not like some people thought. I was trying to imply a serious make out session, but not sex. Hence the "almost but not quite one" line. I mentioned why I thought their little get together escalated (previously choreographed, etc, etc), but I didn't mean that they slept together. Lily just doesn't do that yet in my mind. Anyway, thank you all SO much for your reviews. They are really what keep me writing. Whenever I'm stressed and think I can't write anymore I just remember the reviews and it forces me to get to work! So thanks all and as always, reviews are always appreciated!

Chapter 8

The next morning, Lily awoke to a ray of sunlight shining through the open curtains. She opened her eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust to the bright light. Instead of the balcony that she had grown used to seeing upon awakening, she found that she was instead staring at the leg of a piece of furniture. Her eyes followed the carved whorls that she recognized as decorating the leg of the sofa in the common room. She raised her head slightly, wincing as the muscles in her neck stretched painfully, and was greeted with the sight of James Potter's sleeping face. His angular jaw line had pronounced stubble on it; clearly, he had not shaved in a while. His hair was messier than usual, sticking up all over the place. One wavy, black lock of hair rested across his forehead. All other strands seemed to stand straight up from his scalp. His eyes were shut and she could see his eyelids flickering. Underneath his eyes were enormous bags, demonstrating the effect his nightmares had on him. However, he didn't seem to be having one now; his thin lips were stretched into a small smile. His nose was still slightly too long against his sleeping features and he snored slightly in his sleep. Lily felt a rush of warmth all over as she realized that she had pressed full up against him while she had been sleeping. As tingles played up and down her spine and settled in her stomach, she noted that she had never found James Potter more attractive than he was right now.

Raising her left arm, which had been previously slung over his bare, muscled chest, Lily ran her hand lightly over his nose, his lips, his cheeks, loving the feel of his stubble beneath her fingertips. He rolled slightly, nestling into her hand, but also pulling her closer with his right arm. Lily closed her eyes, relishing in the feel of his body against hers, before she realized that she was now effectively pinned. Her right arm was trapped in the arch of his back and his arm still pinned her to him.

She lay for a moment reflecting on her situation. She didn't want to wake him from his first peaceful sleep in a while. However, she did feel an overwhelming urge to shower. Slowly, slowly she slid to the side until she was lying flat on her back on the floor. His arm was now across her abdomen, her arm still under his back. Carefully she picked up his arm and laid it next to his body. She rolled back onto the arm that was still under his back and slowly began to sit up, each vertical inch moving her arm another little bit out from under his dead weight. As her hand approached imminent freedom, he gave one heavy sigh. Lily held her breath as he rolled over onto his other side, remaining asleep.

With a small smile, she conjured a blanket and draped it over him. Rays of sunlight spilled from the window, illuminating his pale skin and handsome features. Running her hand one last time through his thick hair, Lily closed her eyes as the soft strands slipped through her fingers. Laughing to herself at the strangeness of it- she, Lily Evans, was relishing in the feel of James Potter's hair- Lily stood up and went to take a shower.

An hour later, Lily emerged refreshed from the bathroom. Sticking her head into the common room, she saw James still asleep on the floor. Smiling slightly she cast a quick cushioning charm on the floor beneath him. She almost laughed as she watched him nestle into the new, squishy floor. Then she headed back to her room to read a book. All in all, she thought, a perfect way to begin a Saturday in January.

She flopped down on her large bed and opened Arabian Nights. Though she tried valiantly to read, the words simply bounced off her numb mind. The last three weeks had been absolute hell; and try though she might to repress the stress and guilt, the emotions overwhelmed her. Discarding her book, Lily began mindlessly playing with her bracelet, letting her mind wander. Gradually, she looked down at the fine chain. The sight struck her like a physical blow. It was the bracelet her parents had given her the day they died. Tears formed in her eyes, though she blinked them back. She hated crying, hated the weakness she felt at not being able to control her emotions. But once in a while they slipped through anyway as did the tears that ran down her cheeks.

The hole their loss had left in her was not so much a hole as a gaping cavern. It was so easy to get lost in, thought Lily as she struggled, the depths of pain, fear, and most of all longing that made her head throb and her stomach ache with nausea. Crying silently, she rolled onto her side and found herself clutching a cool sphere. It was the necklace she had received from the owl. She smiled slightly through the pain as she remembered the havoc the owl had wreaked upon the household, and particularly on her sister.

Petunia was getting married soon, she realized dimly. To Vernon. The whale of a man her parents had approved for her tiny sister. She grimaced in disgust and laughed slightly as her head filled with amusing but utterly inappropriate thoughts. She only laughed harder as she thought of what James would say if he knew. At the thought of him, her heart expanded slightly and her lips turned up.

James Potter was an interesting character. Just when she was sure she knew him, he would do something to surprise her. And not always in a good way, she mused as she thought of Rose Anderson. She was a nice girl. Lily wondered dimly how she had felt about her breakup with James. Although, that would imply that they had broken up, and to the best of Lily's knowledge, they had still been together yesterday. _But James wouldn't, _she thought. _Would he?_ He wouldn't have kissed her like that if he were still tied down. She hoped.

Pushing that thought from her mind also, she laughed as she realized just how good she was at repressing. Her smile faded slightly as she also thought that might not be a good thing. Something about bottling up feelings and whatnot. Hadn't she just said those words to James a few short weeks ago? God but that seemed ages. And he seemed to have responded. Particularly well, she mused, as she reflected on last night. She felt distinctly uncomfortable with how that had ended up and hoped that things would become easier to discuss if they became a couple. _James and Lily. Lily and James. It has a nice ring to it…_and she laughed at her mind's shallow wanderings.

She was startled from her musings when her door flew open with a bang. James stood in the doorway, hair all askew, looking terrified.

"Lily! Are you? I'm sorry, I just…I can't..what…" He trailed off from his incoherent rambling as she stood up from her position lying on her bed and walked towards the door. She stopped in front of him, concerned.

"James, what's going on? Are you all right?"

He ran a hand embarrassedly through his hair. _This was a trait_, Lily thought, _that she had loathed before. But she had never considered that he only did it around her out of nervousness. _But he was unmistakably nervous now_._ She almost smirked.

His hand dropped from his hair to plunge deep into his pocket. "I just woke up this morning and I didn't see you and I thought…" He flushed and trailed off, looking highly uncomfortable.

Lily was really confused now. "What?"

"I just thought…that you had left."

She just looked at him. She had never really given him credit for how attractive he was. Even having just woken up, he still looked good. His shirt was rumpled and askew, sleeves rolled, as if he has just thrown it on. _Which, _Lily reflected as she remembered his chest, _he had._ His tie was missing, probably still on the common room floor. His hair was far messier than usual and Lily had a sudden urge to run her hands through it again. And considering the events of last night, she figured she probably could.

He still stood there waiting for some sort of validation. Her heart tugged painfully as she realized that he obviously thought that she had just been messing with him. She stepped closer, getting rid of the distance between them. He stood still, frozen, as her hand cupped his cheek and moved slowly towards his hair. Her other hand caressed his shoulder. His own arm moved, seemingly of its own accord to her waist, holding it lightly.

"I'm sorry for scaring you," Lily murmured.

James looked like he was fighting to understand her. "What?"

Lily could have laughed at the effect she was having on him. "This morning?"

"Right, right." He shook his head. "It's ok, I just…" He looked at her, hazel eyes boring into emerald green. Lily's heart skipped a few beats has she felt one of his hands move from her waist to her hair. As he stroked her hair, Lily almost melted. Tiny shocks flew down her spine, congregating in her stomach. Without thinking, she slowly moved his head down to hers. His hand in her hair froze as their lips met. _Still the same fireworks,_ Lily noted in a distant part of her brain. Her entire body seemed to tingle as he kissed her slowly and deeply. Finally, they both pulled back, gasping for air.

"What…what does this mean?" James asked, apprehension in his eyes at the question.

Lily smiled coyly and he swallowed. "It means…" A thought occurred to her.

"James? Did you break up with Rose?"

His hands flew from her waist to return to his hair. She tugged them down lightly and held them as he responded.

"Er, she broke up with me, actually."

Lily smiled. "Really?"

James looked highly uncomfortable. "Yeah," he said awkwardly.

"Well. If that's so, James Potter? Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"

He laughed at her, and she felt it rumble in his chest as he hugged her.

"You're not just saying that?"

Lily looked confused. "Why would I ask if I didn't mean it?"

She could feel his posture tense as the question hung between them. James flushed. "I don't know, I just wanted to make sure."

Studying his face, his blush, the way he had run in this morning, the way he wouldn't look at her now, Lily didn't know what to say.

"James, I..."

She shook her head, unable to find the words. Touching his face, she marveled at the power she had over him as his eyes slid shut, seemingly of their own accord. She moved her hand back to his chest where she could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His eyes flew open and considered her seriously. He seemed to see everything, every thought she had ever had, every dream she had ever dreamed. His hand still stroked her hair, he couldn't seem to help it. His other hand was frozen on her waist.

All the things she had ever heard about James Potter came back to her. How amazing he was. How brave and charming and loyal. She felt the pull between them, like the strongest magnet. How he had felt this for seven years and had still taken her petty name-calling and unbelievably ignorant anger. She felt sick as she thought about how she had treated him. Yet his eyes were still on her, waiting. Patiently waiting like he had for seven years. She wanted to kiss him, yet felt unbelievably awkward. She didn't deserve him. Did he even want her?

She looked seriously into his eyes. He looked drained and tired. Cautious. As if he were afraid to celebrate. Doubt. He had every right to doubt her. Fear. Of rejection? That she understood, but how to fix it? She looked deeper. And there. In the darkest part of his eyes. The hot, metallic silver she had seen last night. Discreet and well-hidden, but still there. Want.

Slowly, she began to stretch up, unsure what it was that he wanted. She paused, inches from his lips.

"Lily," he groaned. And for the first time in her life, she felt truly desired. Her stomach churned, her waist was on fire where his hand rested. She rose up onto her tiptoes, her lips millimeters from his, until she could barely stand it. With a harsh sound he closed the small distance. As his lips met hers, Lily could feel her blood rushing through her veins. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest. His hand tangled in her hair urging her closer. Moving his head back he gasped for breath. Swinging around, he pinned her against the wall. Her hand clutched at his back, her other hand ran through his thick, unruly hair. She pressed closer and he groaned, hand moving from her waist to wrap fully around her back. They broke again for air.

"We should stop," she whispered.

He looked at her, eyes silver, cloudy with desire. She loosened her grip and he sighed. Stepping back he observed her red hair, now tangled and wild. Her lips were puffy and red. But she was smiling. His hand reached out again and combed through her hair. She laughed, the sound of it like bells.

"I suppose I should go fix my hair." She looked down at her rumpled clothes. "And my clothes."

He shot her a cheeky look. "Why? I like them like that."

She glared at him and slipped into the bathroom, closing the door tightly behind her. The occupied sign flashed red. James walked into her room and flopped down on her neatly made bed. He closed his eyes. Seven years. Seven years he had waited for Lily Evans to like him. For years she had looked at him like he was dirt beneath her feet. But now…the bathroom door swung open and James' head snapped up. Lily stood in the doorway smiling at him. His stomach lurched so painfully he could have sworn he was dying.

She walked up to him and held her hand out. He grabbed it, feeling the jolt of electricity that had always accompanied her touch. Unable to believe that this was real, he pulled her into a hug. The feeling of her body against his did more to reassure James than anything else. He felt her laughing and he looked down curiously.

"Could you kindly refrain from messing up my clothes after I _just_ straightened them?" she inquired sweetly.

With an evil grin, he messed up her hair, then ran out of the dorm. He could hear Lily following after a minute. He slowed down so she could catch up. She ran up beside him looking out of breath and annoyed. Her red hair still hung into her face in disarray.

"James Potter." She did not sound amused. He looked at her, trying for a contrite expression. But the sight of perfect Lily Evans with her hair hanging in her face was too much. He burst out laughing. A moment and a glare later, Lily followed suit.

The entered the Great Hall hand in hand. As the doors swung shut behind them, there was a noticeable hush in the hall. Lily looked at James apprehensively, but he hadn't seemed to notice. She sat down next to him, with Dorcas on her other side. Looking over, Dorcas gave a low whistle. Lily blushed and Dorcas laughed.

"Good for you Lily. Congratulations."

The other followed suit, saying similar things. Sirius was, as always, the most creative and dramatic.

"Thank God," he gasped, mock wiping sweat from his brow. "I thought I would die before I saw the day."

Lily raised an eyebrow. Sirius just shrugged, unabashed, then went back to shoveling eggs into his mouth.

*&*

Sitting in the Head's common room, James looked up discreetly from his essay. He watched Lily stop her furious scribbling and bite on the end of her quill. Her brow was wrinkled as she stared off into space, looking for the answer. Her red hair shone in the firelight. His staring became far less discreet as he became entranced with the way the light danced off her hair.

Just then, she looked over at him and caught his blank stare. Flushing, James quickly snapped his head down. He stared at his books until he realized there was nothing to be embarrassed about. He glanced back up to find Lily looking at him curiously.

"I just…forgot," he mumbled. Her beautiful smile spread across her face.

"Well," she said coyly. "Let's remedy that, shall we?"

James just gaped at her, slightly unsure as to what she was implying. She rolled her eyes playfully at him as she stood up and walked over. He watched, totally caught up in the graceful way she walked. She sat down on the couch next to him, looking slightly nervous. But James was too stupefied to do anything. After a week of going out, he still couldn't believe that he could just lean over and kiss her if her wanted, as he had wanted to for so long. Fortunately, Lily solved that problem for him.

His breath hitched as she slowly climbed into his lap. As her weight settled comfortably across his legs, he felt like he might explode. Her hand gliding up his chest caused his heart to start beating painfully and erratically. Her other hand wound its way around his neck, playing with the small curl at the nape of his neck. He closed his eyes as his lips found hers. One arm slid around her back, the other fisting on the sofa cushion.

The small bit of fabric clutched in his hand was his tentative hold on reality. He had wanted her for so long that it was overwhelming to have her. And the last thing he wanted to do was scare her away. As such, he tended to hold back during sessions like these. After that first time, he swore to himself that he would not let it get out of hand. She was shy and new at relationships and he couldn't bear it if he drove her away. So, he had to distract himself to avoid losing control. Lily didn't seem to notice, so caught up in the way everything felt that he relaxed a bit. But a few minutes later he had to call a halt.

Their ragged breathing echoed around the room as James rested his forehead against hers. Lily looked embarrassed.

"I'm sorry if…"

"No," he cut her off. She looked surprised. He brought his hand up to her face. She relaxed into it, making him smile.

"I just don't want…I think we should take things slow." Even as he said the words, his body painfully disagreed. It didn't want to take things slow at all. But Lily was smiling at him, turning his stomach into a cramped mass of emotion. And the smile on her face as she agreed was enough to content him for now.


End file.
